Back to Square One.

have you ever emotionally invested absolutely everything into one person, just for them to completely let you down without caring about what's at stake?

not sure if you remember - back in october, i was absolutely i-wanna-die depressed. then, all of a sudden, a guy named Macauley swooped in, made me feel worthwhile, and basically saved me from a dark place that was getting darker by the day. from then on, i emotionally attached myself to him. he was my savior from the other side of the atlantic. the only thing that would get me through hard times was the thought of finally getting to be with him. i had a while to wait, but every second closer was a bit more bearable.

i finally get here, the most i could get out of him was a casual friends-with-benefits thing. i was fine with it - i've been screwed over in relationships before, and i wasn't sure how i would feel being committed to someone. also, i'd take whatever i could get from him. the first few weeks were absolutely wonderful. i got everything that i was craving physically, plus a nice emotional thing going on as well. to me, it felt like we were together, yet free to see other people. it was what we both wanted, or so i thought.

one night, we went to the movies and he drove me home. instead of the usual hour in a parked car, i got a kiss on the cheek. the next day, he asked that we just be friends. he said that he still wanted to hang out (which we haven't in two weeks now,) and that i deserved better. his mind was all screwed up from past relationships.. so much so, that the simple commitment of being with the same girl more than once was freaking him out. pretty much, he didn't care how i felt about the situation - he just insisted that it was what he wanted and there was nothing he could do to help me. i got a kiss goodnight when he drove me home that day. it didn't make sense.

the next few times i saw him with our group of friends, he was nicer to me than he had ever been before. still kinda touchy-feely, without the kissing. a couple days ago, he actually kissed me before i went home. thinking he had changed his mind, i was expecting one today. instead, just a quick hug and a turn to walk in the opposite direction.

I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHATS GOING ON.

anyways, i'd like to thank him.. thank him for completely ruining my newly-rebuilt confidence and faith in the male population. you know for a second there, i thought that if i gave love, i could receive it. not the case at all.

FFFFFUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK. just imagining how dark things are gonna get once i get back to boston. kinda funny, it just makes me really excited because i know my weight's gonna spiral down. heh, perhaps i'll have more to thank him for.

despite everything, i wouldn't trade the time we had for anything. it was absolutely blissful while it lasted. i REALLY needed it. i like to make myself feel better by thinking that things were near perfect - i believe that absolute perfection is not allowed in this world, so something had to be screwed up. i know i'm probably being dramatic with this whole thing, as people have more complicated issues than i, but even so, this is an extremely big deal to me. i was once pretty unstable. i was given false hope and now i may be worse off than i was to begin with. no matter the circumstances, that sucks.

Hello from Scotland x

hiya, just wanting to update. having an amazing time here so far. not even halfway through my trip! spending loads of time with family by day, getting very drunk at night xD

and my dear Macauley is wonderful as well. we were a little shy around each other at first, but we went to a party together, got quite drunk, confessed our feelings for each other, and had a bit of a sleazy romp in a bathroom (yeah, just like a one of those public sex scenes from a movie..) ever since, we've been hanging out, enjoying each other's company. apparently, neither of us like commitment, so we're doing this friends-with-benefits-open-relationship type thing, where we don't want people to know we like each other.. it's blatantly obvious though :P sorta wish we were a little bit more involved, though. i mean, what defines a relationship? can you be "in a relationship" without being chained down to the other person, or is that just what we already have? ah, well.. i'll take what i can get without scaring him off with commitment.

anyways, hope all is well and fourth of july festivities were fun and safe!

A Little Update for Ya.

i really wish i would take the time to blog more. i'm always at a loss of words, though. seems like nothing's going on. but, as my middle school yearbook quote went, "Day by day, nothing seems to change, but pretty soon, everything is different.."

well, this past month has been a a little crazy at times. since my last post, i've completed my finals, turned 18, marched as a zombie through Boston, briefly dated someone, donated blood (despite my extreme phobia of needles,) and graduated high school. i'm leaving for scotland on tuesday :D !

i've recently spoken to my cousin who's become great friends with Macauley. my suspicions have been confirmed - he likes me! (i'll stop being a schoolgirl now.) i've been so busy trying to find cute outfits (and lingerie ;P) and making sure everything is set for my trip. this is so unlike me.. i sort of like it!

i'm not sure if i've ever ranted about how much i HATE my best friend's boyfriend, but things between them are not going so good - they aren't speaking, so i've got my friend back! i've been busy trying to be there for her, which is way more frequently than before this idiot showed up.. i can see he is screwing everything up, just as i thought he would..

and, i'd also like to say that i haven't yet bought a pack of cigarettes. although i've come very close a few times, i've resisted the urge.. we'll see how long i can restrain myself!

x

Back Again.

sorry about the absence. i've been too busy not caring about anything.

i've realized that i need to give my lungs a break for now. the last month i've just been out of control.. not that i remember or anything about it, i was too fucked up. i know too many people who look up to me and respect me for "resisting drugs" that i don't want to see disappointed. i've already exposed my little, impressionable sister to what i've been doing. i'm really disappointed with myself. my money's gone, my blood is unclean, my head is constantly in the clouds, my body is suffering. i think it's time to stop smoking for now. (i do still intend to drink like a fish this summer in Scotland, though =P)

anyways, i want to clean myself up. how that's happening, i'm not exactly sure yet.

just wanted to let you know i'm still alive. there's been times this month that i wasn't sure about that fact! i'll give another update later.

hope everyone's well x

Happy 4/20, Everyone!

hope you all had a fantastic day, regardless of whether you smoked.

i finally got a hold of that girl that i told you about. we met up, went to the sketchiest part of the city to buy some bud, smoked up at this beautiful waterfall in the woods, bought rolling papers after the bowl clogged, and got endlessly lost trying to find our way home.

we were left with a little more than a gram, and i convinced my friend to let me have it for later. stashed it in my purse and came home wide-eyed. although my clothes, purse, hair, and car REEKED of weed, my mom didn't seem to notice. as soon as i got home, she wanted to go to the grocery store.. total torture when you have the munchies. after she went to bed, i rolled up a couple joints with the last of my stash.. keeping them for a rainy day - i'll have to buy more soon =/

anyways, i hope all is well.

x

Awh, Junk.

i was doing so well the past couple days.. i recently signed up for the new gym that opened a couple towns away, so i've been busy going there for hours at a time (my groin muscles are KILLING ME. i can't even walk >_>) yesterday, i ate an orange for the day, then spent two hours at the gym. it was absolutely wonderful. today, i was sort of forced into eating a bit of chocolate, so i worked extra-hard at the gym.. probably didn't help my whole groin-hurting issue. anyways, after another couple of hours spent on stationary bikes and treadmills, i had to go pick up my sister. when i got off the treadmill and started walking back to the locker room, i literally felt like i hovering. i felt like i was high! it was great.. a bit scary when i had to drive, though. the feeling passed eventually, no worries!

of course i had to ruin everything by eating dinner/binging afterward.

hopefully, i'll get to go again tomorrow. hopefully, this whole groin-muscle thing is just a sign of it being strengthened instead of pulled. hopefully, i won't screw things up again..

oh, and good news! although it's selfish of me to want to, knowing how many people seem to look up to me these days, i think i found someone to help me out with drug-related requests. a couple of friends of mine who have never smoked have really started to like classic rock bands - they want to partake in a "Jimmy Hendrix Experience," as they put it. with 4/20 on it's way, i told them that i would join then on their first high. the problem was finding someone to supply our demand.

today in class, a friend of mine stumbled in late.. she sat down and complained about falling up the stairs on her way there - she had a huge, open cut on her foot, but she was geeking. long story short, she decided to wake-and-bake, and she told me that i can buy from her any time i want =D

i'm totally becoming a pothead. i can feel it :|

eh.. Title.

so, the whole fast thing didn't work out for obvious reasons.. >_<

it wasn't all bad, though. i remembered that i cheated at my physical's weigh-in last year, so i decided i could do it again. i "lost" four pounds since last year! i lol'd to myself. such a cheater. they shouldn't have put the scale in between a high table and a wall - the nurse should have made sure my hands were at my sides instead of supporting myself against the objects next to me. hehe

anyways, i had a pretty eventful weekend. friday (after the doctor's - i had to get a meningitis vaccine D:) my best friend Audra and i went to the school for Open Mic Night, where some of our fellow classmates revealed their hidden musical talents. afterwards, we went to our friend Vanessa's for birthday cake along with her boyfriend and a couple of other people.

saturday, i met up with Vanessa at the animal shelter to celebrate her birthday. we went out for breakfast and pedicures =D. afterwards, i went to an Easter/cousin's birthday dinner where i spent the night with a ton of family i've never met (distant family who i probably could have gone without ever meeting..) it was.. awkward.

Easter Sunday. oh god. i am not a Christian. although i do believe in some sort of God, i absolutely hate organized religion (sorry - i've always said i wouldn't discuss religion. it always seems to cause problems =/. let me just finish this little rant.) personally, i don't really believe in the whole "rising from beyond the grave" thing, so i don't think i should celebrate it.. i would rather stay in bed than drive out 70 miles to visit a side of my family who DOES NOT EVEN SPEAK TO ME. my mom was offended because my sister and i wanted to leave early, as we told our father's family that we would visit. she sort of had a freak-out, saying i never spend time with her family (although i spend countless weeks of my summer visiting them in Scotland.) regardless, we visited my dad's family where they sort of made conversation with me. i did have to excuse myself from the table when they started discussing politics.. "discussing" means heated, close-minded debates, where my grandmother spits out facts that she learned from last night's "Glenn Beck."

csuiomhgcrhgcmhgsuxoighmuigdlxbuibgfh I JUST WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE, ALREADY!

is summer here, yet? can i just walk up to my principal, get my high school diploma, move the green tassel to the side, and throw my hat up in the air? (June 12, by the way!) can i just drive to Logan Airport, board an Aer Lingus airplane, and silently enjoy my music on the way to Scotland, leaving everything behind?

the one somewhat-comforting thing about this Easter was the fact that it will be the last holiday i will spend without my father. he gets out of prison in July. i'm so excited to have a conversation longer than the phone-alloted ten minutes.