Back to Square One.

have you ever emotionally invested absolutely everything into one person, just for them to completely let you down without caring about what's at stake?

not sure if you remember - back in october, i was absolutely i-wanna-die depressed. then, all of a sudden, a guy named Macauley swooped in, made me feel worthwhile, and basically saved me from a dark place that was getting darker by the day. from then on, i emotionally attached myself to him. he was my savior from the other side of the atlantic. the only thing that would get me through hard times was the thought of finally getting to be with him. i had a while to wait, but every second closer was a bit more bearable.

i finally get here, the most i could get out of him was a casual friends-with-benefits thing. i was fine with it - i've been screwed over in relationships before, and i wasn't sure how i would feel being committed to someone. also, i'd take whatever i could get from him. the first few weeks were absolutely wonderful. i got everything that i was craving physically, plus a nice emotional thing going on as well. to me, it felt like we were together, yet free to see other people. it was what we both wanted, or so i thought.

one night, we went to the movies and he drove me home. instead of the usual hour in a parked car, i got a kiss on the cheek. the next day, he asked that we just be friends. he said that he still wanted to hang out (which we haven't in two weeks now,) and that i deserved better. his mind was all screwed up from past relationships.. so much so, that the simple commitment of being with the same girl more than once was freaking him out. pretty much, he didn't care how i felt about the situation - he just insisted that it was what he wanted and there was nothing he could do to help me. i got a kiss goodnight when he drove me home that day. it didn't make sense.

the next few times i saw him with our group of friends, he was nicer to me than he had ever been before. still kinda touchy-feely, without the kissing. a couple days ago, he actually kissed me before i went home. thinking he had changed his mind, i was expecting one today. instead, just a quick hug and a turn to walk in the opposite direction.

I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHATS GOING ON.

anyways, i'd like to thank him.. thank him for completely ruining my newly-rebuilt confidence and faith in the male population. you know for a second there, i thought that if i gave love, i could receive it. not the case at all.

FFFFFUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK. just imagining how dark things are gonna get once i get back to boston. kinda funny, it just makes me really excited because i know my weight's gonna spiral down. heh, perhaps i'll have more to thank him for.

despite everything, i wouldn't trade the time we had for anything. it was absolutely blissful while it lasted. i REALLY needed it. i like to make myself feel better by thinking that things were near perfect - i believe that absolute perfection is not allowed in this world, so something had to be screwed up. i know i'm probably being dramatic with this whole thing, as people have more complicated issues than i, but even so, this is an extremely big deal to me. i was once pretty unstable. i was given false hope and now i may be worse off than i was to begin with. no matter the circumstances, that sucks.