i have been building up my goals/to-do list. its currently saved as a draft and i was planning on posting it tonight. one of my goals was to stop my best friend of 12 years from ruining our friendship over her (first) boyfriend.
this goal was completely shut down - maybe i'll explain later. not really a long nor dramatic story, but its enough to have me in tears. damn it, i was having such a wonderful day, too.
i need a change. once i graduate, i need to re-locate. my mom is making me stay home whilst attending college, but i can no longer stand being confined in this bedroom, a place where i've felt every emotion. there have been times that i've litterally knocked things off my bureau while jumping with excitement. other times, i've laid on the floor and had the biggest meltdowns of my life. i've prayed in here and done some sinful acts.
pretty much, i've lived in the same town and same house for nearly all of my life. i need to get away. my plan: SCOTLAND. there, i have a whole half of my family who love and miss me. i don't get to spend as much time with them as i wish. its weird to think that i've only visited my grandparents around 15 times !
....
on the bright side, i got some exciting news - my dad found out that he will be released 9 months from today!
Tuesday 13 October 2009
Monday 12 October 2009
*breathe*
ok, i've recovered from my mini-meltdown. unfortunately, that happens a lot. i think it was the Famous Grouse whiskey that made the impulsive decision of posting that previous update.
that night i ended up passing out on the sofa for a few hours. i woke myself up around 4 in the morning and made a pot of coffee. i went and took the SATs, surprisingly not hungover when i very well should have been. i actually didn't find them to be too hard - that cockiness may result in an awful score. (i better not jinx myself)
i'm trying to tell myself to deal with all of my problems - so many people have it worse than i do. to be completely honest, i've considered suicide a couple of times. i know that i'm too much of a coward to do it, but sometimes when i'm driving and feeling like my previous post, i think about what it would be like to drive into the nearest tree. it's sad, and i'm trying to fix that.
anyways, i'm sorry for that last post. i haven't felt that low in months. i shouldn't have published that. i'm sorry if i lately haven't been as positive as i advertise. "I'm A Downer and Life Sucks" would probably be a better title right now, lol.
and thank you, Rachael. i very much appreciate your feedback. =)
that night i ended up passing out on the sofa for a few hours. i woke myself up around 4 in the morning and made a pot of coffee. i went and took the SATs, surprisingly not hungover when i very well should have been. i actually didn't find them to be too hard - that cockiness may result in an awful score. (i better not jinx myself)
i'm trying to tell myself to deal with all of my problems - so many people have it worse than i do. to be completely honest, i've considered suicide a couple of times. i know that i'm too much of a coward to do it, but sometimes when i'm driving and feeling like my previous post, i think about what it would be like to drive into the nearest tree. it's sad, and i'm trying to fix that.
anyways, i'm sorry for that last post. i haven't felt that low in months. i shouldn't have published that. i'm sorry if i lately haven't been as positive as i advertise. "I'm A Downer and Life Sucks" would probably be a better title right now, lol.
and thank you, Rachael. i very much appreciate your feedback. =)
Friday 9 October 2009
An Update for Those Who Care.
oh, how i look at my life and laugh uncontrollably.
i'm in love with a guy who i don't and will never have a chance with.
my best friend of 12 years likes her boyfriend more than me - she's decided to apply "early decision" to a college in another state with him... a college that would laugh at my transcript. i know for a fact that she will break all ties with her friends. ps. i don't think ANY of my friends like me anymore.
i need to figure out what i'm doing with my life - fast. by next month, i need to have all of my applications in the mail.
... according to my asshole guidance counsellor, no college is going to accept me, anyways. i might as well start working at mcdonalds. OH, WAIT. i already applied for a job there and didn't hear anything. over 6 months ago. i apply for a different job and different store/restaurant every week. i've NEVER heard anything. looks like i'm living in my teenage bedroom until i get so fat that i can no longer fit through the doorway. my mom would rather kick me out than replace all of the door widths in the house.
i've let myself go. more than ever, i look at myself and see an obese, lazy, bitch. my mom has started to notice that i've gained a little - she didn't set me a place at dinner tonight. she claimed that she heard me say that i didn't want anything. i haven't told her that in way over a month.
oh, AND i have SATS in the morning. my friend and her boyfriend are picking me up at 7 because i don't have money from a job to pay for a car. i haven't studied. i'm going in completely blind. this is the first time i'm taking it. i don't have another opportunity. if i bomb it, i'm definitely not going to college.
dad's mad at me because i don't write him emails to jail. forgot to mention that i'm pretty tipsy at the moment and my "s" key on my laptop has broken off..
good night to all one of you who maybe read some of this. it's ok if you couldn't care less. i've been getting a lot of that lately.
i'm in love with a guy who i don't and will never have a chance with.
my best friend of 12 years likes her boyfriend more than me - she's decided to apply "early decision" to a college in another state with him... a college that would laugh at my transcript. i know for a fact that she will break all ties with her friends. ps. i don't think ANY of my friends like me anymore.
i need to figure out what i'm doing with my life - fast. by next month, i need to have all of my applications in the mail.
... according to my asshole guidance counsellor, no college is going to accept me, anyways. i might as well start working at mcdonalds. OH, WAIT. i already applied for a job there and didn't hear anything. over 6 months ago. i apply for a different job and different store/restaurant every week. i've NEVER heard anything. looks like i'm living in my teenage bedroom until i get so fat that i can no longer fit through the doorway. my mom would rather kick me out than replace all of the door widths in the house.
i've let myself go. more than ever, i look at myself and see an obese, lazy, bitch. my mom has started to notice that i've gained a little - she didn't set me a place at dinner tonight. she claimed that she heard me say that i didn't want anything. i haven't told her that in way over a month.
oh, AND i have SATS in the morning. my friend and her boyfriend are picking me up at 7 because i don't have money from a job to pay for a car. i haven't studied. i'm going in completely blind. this is the first time i'm taking it. i don't have another opportunity. if i bomb it, i'm definitely not going to college.
dad's mad at me because i don't write him emails to jail. forgot to mention that i'm pretty tipsy at the moment and my "s" key on my laptop has broken off..
good night to all one of you who maybe read some of this. it's ok if you couldn't care less. i've been getting a lot of that lately.
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