Back to Square One.

have you ever emotionally invested absolutely everything into one person, just for them to completely let you down without caring about what's at stake?

not sure if you remember - back in october, i was absolutely i-wanna-die depressed. then, all of a sudden, a guy named Macauley swooped in, made me feel worthwhile, and basically saved me from a dark place that was getting darker by the day. from then on, i emotionally attached myself to him. he was my savior from the other side of the atlantic. the only thing that would get me through hard times was the thought of finally getting to be with him. i had a while to wait, but every second closer was a bit more bearable.

i finally get here, the most i could get out of him was a casual friends-with-benefits thing. i was fine with it - i've been screwed over in relationships before, and i wasn't sure how i would feel being committed to someone. also, i'd take whatever i could get from him. the first few weeks were absolutely wonderful. i got everything that i was craving physically, plus a nice emotional thing going on as well. to me, it felt like we were together, yet free to see other people. it was what we both wanted, or so i thought.

one night, we went to the movies and he drove me home. instead of the usual hour in a parked car, i got a kiss on the cheek. the next day, he asked that we just be friends. he said that he still wanted to hang out (which we haven't in two weeks now,) and that i deserved better. his mind was all screwed up from past relationships.. so much so, that the simple commitment of being with the same girl more than once was freaking him out. pretty much, he didn't care how i felt about the situation - he just insisted that it was what he wanted and there was nothing he could do to help me. i got a kiss goodnight when he drove me home that day. it didn't make sense.

the next few times i saw him with our group of friends, he was nicer to me than he had ever been before. still kinda touchy-feely, without the kissing. a couple days ago, he actually kissed me before i went home. thinking he had changed his mind, i was expecting one today. instead, just a quick hug and a turn to walk in the opposite direction.

I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHATS GOING ON.

anyways, i'd like to thank him.. thank him for completely ruining my newly-rebuilt confidence and faith in the male population. you know for a second there, i thought that if i gave love, i could receive it. not the case at all.

FFFFFUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK. just imagining how dark things are gonna get once i get back to boston. kinda funny, it just makes me really excited because i know my weight's gonna spiral down. heh, perhaps i'll have more to thank him for.

despite everything, i wouldn't trade the time we had for anything. it was absolutely blissful while it lasted. i REALLY needed it. i like to make myself feel better by thinking that things were near perfect - i believe that absolute perfection is not allowed in this world, so something had to be screwed up. i know i'm probably being dramatic with this whole thing, as people have more complicated issues than i, but even so, this is an extremely big deal to me. i was once pretty unstable. i was given false hope and now i may be worse off than i was to begin with. no matter the circumstances, that sucks.

Hello from Scotland x

hiya, just wanting to update. having an amazing time here so far. not even halfway through my trip! spending loads of time with family by day, getting very drunk at night xD

and my dear Macauley is wonderful as well. we were a little shy around each other at first, but we went to a party together, got quite drunk, confessed our feelings for each other, and had a bit of a sleazy romp in a bathroom (yeah, just like a one of those public sex scenes from a movie..) ever since, we've been hanging out, enjoying each other's company. apparently, neither of us like commitment, so we're doing this friends-with-benefits-open-relationship type thing, where we don't want people to know we like each other.. it's blatantly obvious though :P sorta wish we were a little bit more involved, though. i mean, what defines a relationship? can you be "in a relationship" without being chained down to the other person, or is that just what we already have? ah, well.. i'll take what i can get without scaring him off with commitment.

anyways, hope all is well and fourth of july festivities were fun and safe!

A Little Update for Ya.

i really wish i would take the time to blog more. i'm always at a loss of words, though. seems like nothing's going on. but, as my middle school yearbook quote went, "Day by day, nothing seems to change, but pretty soon, everything is different.."

well, this past month has been a a little crazy at times. since my last post, i've completed my finals, turned 18, marched as a zombie through Boston, briefly dated someone, donated blood (despite my extreme phobia of needles,) and graduated high school. i'm leaving for scotland on tuesday :D !

i've recently spoken to my cousin who's become great friends with Macauley. my suspicions have been confirmed - he likes me! (i'll stop being a schoolgirl now.) i've been so busy trying to find cute outfits (and lingerie ;P) and making sure everything is set for my trip. this is so unlike me.. i sort of like it!

i'm not sure if i've ever ranted about how much i HATE my best friend's boyfriend, but things between them are not going so good - they aren't speaking, so i've got my friend back! i've been busy trying to be there for her, which is way more frequently than before this idiot showed up.. i can see he is screwing everything up, just as i thought he would..

and, i'd also like to say that i haven't yet bought a pack of cigarettes. although i've come very close a few times, i've resisted the urge.. we'll see how long i can restrain myself!

x

Back Again.

sorry about the absence. i've been too busy not caring about anything.

i've realized that i need to give my lungs a break for now. the last month i've just been out of control.. not that i remember or anything about it, i was too fucked up. i know too many people who look up to me and respect me for "resisting drugs" that i don't want to see disappointed. i've already exposed my little, impressionable sister to what i've been doing. i'm really disappointed with myself. my money's gone, my blood is unclean, my head is constantly in the clouds, my body is suffering. i think it's time to stop smoking for now. (i do still intend to drink like a fish this summer in Scotland, though =P)

anyways, i want to clean myself up. how that's happening, i'm not exactly sure yet.

just wanted to let you know i'm still alive. there's been times this month that i wasn't sure about that fact! i'll give another update later.

hope everyone's well x

Happy 4/20, Everyone!

hope you all had a fantastic day, regardless of whether you smoked.

i finally got a hold of that girl that i told you about. we met up, went to the sketchiest part of the city to buy some bud, smoked up at this beautiful waterfall in the woods, bought rolling papers after the bowl clogged, and got endlessly lost trying to find our way home.

we were left with a little more than a gram, and i convinced my friend to let me have it for later. stashed it in my purse and came home wide-eyed. although my clothes, purse, hair, and car REEKED of weed, my mom didn't seem to notice. as soon as i got home, she wanted to go to the grocery store.. total torture when you have the munchies. after she went to bed, i rolled up a couple joints with the last of my stash.. keeping them for a rainy day - i'll have to buy more soon =/

anyways, i hope all is well.

x

Awh, Junk.

i was doing so well the past couple days.. i recently signed up for the new gym that opened a couple towns away, so i've been busy going there for hours at a time (my groin muscles are KILLING ME. i can't even walk >_>) yesterday, i ate an orange for the day, then spent two hours at the gym. it was absolutely wonderful. today, i was sort of forced into eating a bit of chocolate, so i worked extra-hard at the gym.. probably didn't help my whole groin-hurting issue. anyways, after another couple of hours spent on stationary bikes and treadmills, i had to go pick up my sister. when i got off the treadmill and started walking back to the locker room, i literally felt like i hovering. i felt like i was high! it was great.. a bit scary when i had to drive, though. the feeling passed eventually, no worries!

of course i had to ruin everything by eating dinner/binging afterward.

hopefully, i'll get to go again tomorrow. hopefully, this whole groin-muscle thing is just a sign of it being strengthened instead of pulled. hopefully, i won't screw things up again..

oh, and good news! although it's selfish of me to want to, knowing how many people seem to look up to me these days, i think i found someone to help me out with drug-related requests. a couple of friends of mine who have never smoked have really started to like classic rock bands - they want to partake in a "Jimmy Hendrix Experience," as they put it. with 4/20 on it's way, i told them that i would join then on their first high. the problem was finding someone to supply our demand.

today in class, a friend of mine stumbled in late.. she sat down and complained about falling up the stairs on her way there - she had a huge, open cut on her foot, but she was geeking. long story short, she decided to wake-and-bake, and she told me that i can buy from her any time i want =D

i'm totally becoming a pothead. i can feel it :|

eh.. Title.

so, the whole fast thing didn't work out for obvious reasons.. >_<

it wasn't all bad, though. i remembered that i cheated at my physical's weigh-in last year, so i decided i could do it again. i "lost" four pounds since last year! i lol'd to myself. such a cheater. they shouldn't have put the scale in between a high table and a wall - the nurse should have made sure my hands were at my sides instead of supporting myself against the objects next to me. hehe

anyways, i had a pretty eventful weekend. friday (after the doctor's - i had to get a meningitis vaccine D:) my best friend Audra and i went to the school for Open Mic Night, where some of our fellow classmates revealed their hidden musical talents. afterwards, we went to our friend Vanessa's for birthday cake along with her boyfriend and a couple of other people.

saturday, i met up with Vanessa at the animal shelter to celebrate her birthday. we went out for breakfast and pedicures =D. afterwards, i went to an Easter/cousin's birthday dinner where i spent the night with a ton of family i've never met (distant family who i probably could have gone without ever meeting..) it was.. awkward.

Easter Sunday. oh god. i am not a Christian. although i do believe in some sort of God, i absolutely hate organized religion (sorry - i've always said i wouldn't discuss religion. it always seems to cause problems =/. let me just finish this little rant.) personally, i don't really believe in the whole "rising from beyond the grave" thing, so i don't think i should celebrate it.. i would rather stay in bed than drive out 70 miles to visit a side of my family who DOES NOT EVEN SPEAK TO ME. my mom was offended because my sister and i wanted to leave early, as we told our father's family that we would visit. she sort of had a freak-out, saying i never spend time with her family (although i spend countless weeks of my summer visiting them in Scotland.) regardless, we visited my dad's family where they sort of made conversation with me. i did have to excuse myself from the table when they started discussing politics.. "discussing" means heated, close-minded debates, where my grandmother spits out facts that she learned from last night's "Glenn Beck."

csuiomhgcrhgcmhgsuxoighmuigdlxbuibgfh I JUST WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE, ALREADY!

is summer here, yet? can i just walk up to my principal, get my high school diploma, move the green tassel to the side, and throw my hat up in the air? (June 12, by the way!) can i just drive to Logan Airport, board an Aer Lingus airplane, and silently enjoy my music on the way to Scotland, leaving everything behind?

the one somewhat-comforting thing about this Easter was the fact that it will be the last holiday i will spend without my father. he gets out of prison in July. i'm so excited to have a conversation longer than the phone-alloted ten minutes.

Getting My ASS in Gear.

i've been such a sloth lately.

my mom reminded me this afternoon that i have a physical scheduled for friday. oh, how i wish she had told me sooner so i would have time to prepare.. i am anywhere between ten and twenty pounds heavier than last year.. i feel like my doctor will have a problem with that.

i hate to do it, but i need to fast for the next two days. i must get off my ass and work out more in the next two days than i have in the last two months. although i'll only lose a few pounds, it's a few closer to what i was last year..

hopefully, i can make it TWO DAYS. my willpower is absolute shit now.. i used to be able to go seven days without eating, and now i can barely make it to 24 hours. i just want things to go back to the way they used to be. although they're horribly destructive, i want to go back to my old habits. why? because i feel more at home. i never get depressed like i do now. my bedroom gets cleaned, books get read, homework gets done. i look better - less miserable.

sorry if you don't agree. i just want to return to the positive, loving, happy Audreena.

Read All About It.

an update! where to begin.. i know! i'll look at my calendar and highlight (somewhat) important events.

- i went to a Tegan & Sara concert with someone i'm just beginning to form a decent friendship with. she invited me to this concert, and i was super-excited because i hadn't been to a concert since June. i didn't really know much about Tegan & Sara.. i knew i liked their music, but i had no idea that they were sisters and they "attract a primarily lesbian audience," or so my friend told me on the way there. just so you know, i have absolutely no problem, what-so-ever with same-sex relationships, but i wasn't expecting to see so many girls (and guys) with their partners, publicly displaying their affection for each other. it bothered me a little bit (not the lesbian part - i just feel uncomfortable when people do that in public.) otherwise, it was an excellent show! quite entertaining as well...

- i spent five hours bathing 5-6 month old puppies at the shelter.. a day well spent xD

- i got together with my filmmaking group - we need to create a 15 minute black and white silent film (due next week :O.) our movie idea? zombies. it's going to be so epic. this weekend, we're planning a huge event which all of our friends are invited to join a zombie mob. i'm so excited!

- my senior class had their 50 Day Countdown party.. it was bittersweet. very hard to imagine not attending my high school next year. although i CANNOT STAND many people in my class, my life won't be the same without them. especially my friends D:

- 311 Day. i paid $12 to view a live HD webcast of the 6-Hour show that went on in Vegas. it was absolutely breathtaking - i couldn't imagine being there in person to see it.. things that perfect don't happen in real life.

- had a bit of a fight with my father (over e-mail, of course. he's in prison if you weren't aware.) the past few months, he's been making me feel like crap because i don't email him enough. i was sick of feeling bad when i didn't do anything wrong, when HE should have been the one feeling bad for missing the past five years of my life. anyways, i finally wrote him an email, bitching him out and making him feel bad. somehow, it has mended our lines of communication. it's very strange how this world works..

- SHINY TOY GUNS CONCERT. my 6th. last weekend. met the band for the fourth time and was once again invited backstage to hang out with them. it was quite amazing.

- finally, i haven't spoken to Macauley in nearly a month now.. after that drunken post i made, we had a week where we spoke multiple times, every day. now, not at all? although i would love to speak to him more often, i really don't want an everyday-communication type of thing. all of a sudden, i have realized that i hate commitment. for example, i used to follow several TV shows (including Days of Our Lives, Supernatural, Dexter..) now, i can't be bothered to watch these shows the same night every week. i can't even blog on a regular basis! that also means any new diets are way out of the question (that's starting to take its toll =/.) basically, what i'm trying to say is although i really, really like him, i don't think we'll form any kind of long-distance romantic relationship. from what he tells me, he also has commitment issues. even though i've always told myself i'd never be a "friends-with-benefits" type of girl, i'm pretty sure that's how it's going to end up.. (if he still even wants me - that whole lack-of-diet part has left me quite undesirable.)

phew. that's it. you're all caught up now. i'll try to overlook that newly formed commitment problem to blog more often =D

oh! i forgot to include a possible tattoo quote in yesterday's post..

"On the scales of desire, your absence weights more than someone else's presence."

that quote, as well as "spring, what a little moonlight can do, see the summer sun is on you all the while we don't hear the news or feel blue." is from "Uncalm" by 311. that song more significant than any other - it represents Scotland, summer, pure excitement, independence, and the love and adoration for the world, my life, and everyone in it. here's the story, which has become very dear to my heart.

last summer, i was on my way to Scotland. i left my mom and sister at the airport to venture on the journey alone. i had to make sure to get to the proper gate/terminal at the necessary times in Ireland, at an airport that i had never visited before. on the plane from Dublin to Scotland, i kept envisioning my Grandad and my favorite cousin greeting me at the airport and seeing my whole family, as well as my beautiful homeland. earlier, in the airport, i put some 311 on shuffle. i came across an unfamiliar song which was really catchy.. i listened to it once, only remembering one part from the song, ".. we are back in your teenage bedroom." after taking off, i looked out the window at the lush green landscape that was Ireland (i remember wanting so badly to be away, because the Irish security treated me horribly.) i turned on my Zune, looking for a good song to listen to. i frantically tried to search for that new song. it took me about an hour, but i finally found it. i just closed my eyes while listening to a new song, "Uncalm." i focused, on the sound of the singers' voices, as well as the amazing guitar and bass riffs in the background. i kept imagining the summer ahead and all that it had in store for me. i remember how excited, yet extremely calm the song made me feel. i ended up putting the song on repeat for the next hour or so, because no other song would make me feel the way this one did. i think i had a smile on my face the whole time.

the song ended up being my theme song for the summer. i never shared it with anyone else, but i listened to it mostly every day that whole month. when it was time to leave, my cousin went with me to the airport because he was flying out to another part of america that same day. he sat with me right up until the moment i boarded the plane. as soon as i sat down and buckled my seatbelt, i started crying hysterically. the whole way home i was miserable. i tried listening to my new favorite song, but it only made me cry harder. it represented everything that i loved, and everything that i was now leaving behind while i was traveling in the opposite direction at 200+ miles per hour.

now, whenever i listen to that song, i close me eyes and i am instantly on that Aer Lingus flight to Edinburgh, Scotland. i am looking out my window at the stunning beauty of the Irish isles and the Scottish highlands. i can instantly experience that astonishing feeling of excitement and happiness. while that song is playng in my noise-cancelling headphones, i am no longer on a bus in Massachusetts on my way to school, but i am thousands of feet in the air, overlooking the world below me as well as watching the morning sun rise over Britain. i can smell the airplane food, i can even remember the exact outfit i was wearing. it takes great focus, but i can spiritually teleport myself to another place in time - if only for the three minutes and eleven seconds that the song lasts.

anyways, that's why i want my tattoo to involve lyrics from that song.

that's all. sorry to keep you.
<3

I Could Really Use Feedback...

... on the following quotes.

i want to get a tattoo in June, and i really want it to be symbolic of 311. i've picked out a list of quotes that i love, but i really can't decide what i want. could you please tell me which ones you like?

(a slash mark means seperate parts of the quote could be used by themselfves as well)

- trust your instinct, let go of regret.
- lovely life, i thank you..
- spring, what a little moonlight can do / soon the summer sun is on you / all the while we don't hear the news or feel blue
- don't dwell
- uncalm
- one song could end a war
- if there's a shadow, there's sunshine
- unity
- sometimes when i'm awake, i can't tell if i'm still dreaming

although i don't know where i'd get the tattoo, the possibilities include my ankle, my wrist (for the one-word quotes,) or behind my shoulder. also, i thought about "Stay Positive and Love Your Life," but i feel like it's a bit cheesy..

the ones most symbolic to me are "uncalm" and "spring, what a little moonlight can do / soon the summer sun is on you / all the while we don't hear the news or feel blue" .. i want to know what other people think of everything else, though!

thanks =D

Oh, Wow. I'm Really Sorry..

i just realized that it's been over a month since my last post. i'm still alive, everyone! no worries =P

i would say that my life has been too busy to even think about blogging, but that would be a lie... i've just been too lazy, tired, and depressed to do anything else.

i PROMISE i'll update tomorrow.. sort of a lot has been going on (lol, not really. don't get too excied.) i'll be sure to log on right after i clean my bedroom, clean out my car for it's inspection, and do the five loads of laundry that are waiting for me. :|

x

Oh, What a Day.

long day of school.

afterward, my uncle's wake. how painful.

then, i was left home alone for the night. i decided to indulge in some Famous Grouse whiskey ... 6 shots of it.

all of my problems slipped away - they actually disappeared when Macauley finally spoke to me again =D

we had a lovely conversation.. i think i'm gonna have a great time when i visit ;)

still in a bit of a drunken state. hope everyone is well =D

Rest in Peace.

not sure if you remember, but back in september, i blogged about a family member:

on a sad note, i just found out that a dear member of my family has been diagnosed with a fast-moving form of lung cancer. ever since i was a little girl, i would go to his house to attend a Christmas Eve party. it was and remains what i look forward to every year. its more fun than Christmas morning !

well, i've been informed that he probably won't make it until Christmas. it definitely won't be the same without him.

he put up a great fight, but ultimately and unfortunately passed away this morning.

luckily, my sister and i got to spend a lot of time with him after i wrote this - every saturday, the whole family would visit his home for breakfast. he would make dozens of blueberry and chocolate chip pancakes, and i would eat them shamelessly. we'd all sit around a huge dining room table and talk about our week.

just behind this table was another, cluttered with balsa wood, small pins, and wood glue. he was famous for his model-making. for the last few months, he worked on plane models - replicas of those he flew in during World War II.

the last memory i have of him is quite fond. a small group of my cousins, aunts, uncles (as well as myself) brought his finished model airplanes up to the loft of the barn in the backyard. we opened the second-story doors, overlooking the farmland which once hosted such beautiful horses. we followed his directions - wind up the front propeller to allow the plan to take off from your hands. we watched his model airplanes soar through the wind and softly land on the flowing grass. i feel like this moment was quite symbolic.

i'm going to miss those eventful christmas eve parties, the amazing and heroic war stories, and those delicious pancakes.

Rest in Peace, Chip. I Love You.

Sorry.

it's been a while.
i feel like i'm always saying that.

ah, well. quick update, then.

not much going on. haven't heard from colleges, haven't improved on my whole "stop being depressed" thing, haven't spoken to Macauley. -.-

on a lighter note, i've been spending a LOT of time volunteering at a local animal shelter. i pretty much spend all of my free time there now.. it sort of takes my mind off of everything. it's too bad that they close at 6. if i could, i'd be there until bedtime.

i've also spent my time (after returning home from the shelter) immersed in my new favorite TV series - True Blood. what a life a have !

i'll try to get better at the whole logging on to Blogger thing =P

What a Rollercoaster.

... my life, i mean.

just to rewind - October was a shit month. i've never been so depressed in my life. in the beginning of november, Macauley showed up (figuratively - he's an ocean away -.- ) and imminently rescued my from that dark place. now, by january, we have been speaking on a somewhat regular basis.

(excuse me for sounding desperate and needy.)

we haven't spoken in two weeks. i talked to my cousin today (the one who introduced us) and he mentioned that Macauley called him a few times this afternoon. i was intrigued. it turned out to just be about work stuff, but my curiosity was enough for my cousin to sort of poke fun at me - i mentioned that i've been speaking to Macauley, and my cousin said he wasn't surprised, "you're pretty smitten with him - you have been since that night." i didn't realize it was that obvious.. it's not like i've spoken about him since the night we met.. (other than on Blogger ;P)

it just makes me extremely self-concious.. has Macauley been talking about me? does he want me to leave him alone? my cousin also added that he's not bringing me to a party ever again, by the way. :|

i'm thinking about not even visiting, now. i don't want to sit around with my grandparents for two months when i can be out partying (legally.)

i just feel like they're laughing at my desperation. it's pointing me to the direction of where i was in October..

once again, sorry for sounding dramatic. i read this and dislike myself.

6 Questions.

Have you ever been to a funeral out of respect for a distant family member you never really got to know? Did it impact on a deeper emotional level than you ever thought it would?

Have you ever thought you were setting an a good example for someone who looks up to you, when in fact, you were doing the complete opposite?

Have you ever felt like you loved someone you didn't even know that well? Have you ever missed that person so much, it actually caused you to feel physically drained?

Have you ever felt so remorseful over the absence of a stranger and hope and pray for their safety and return?

Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes.



All of the above in the same day?

Yes.

Insomnia !

one awful thing about school vacation? it majorly screws with my sleeping habits! since i'm so used to going to bed at 3, right now, at nearly 11:30, i am wide awake. i have to wake up at 5, you know!

ah, well. that's what coffee was made for.

i think it's funny how everyone in my grade is all stressed out right now.. "OMG, college apps!" or "Midterm exams are in two weeks! I haven't even started studying!" and "I have SO MUCH homework to do, but i have three psychology projects to do instead!"

.. am i missing something? i've already applied to college. if i get in, i get in. although i'd love to get accepted, my life would still go on if i don't. midterms? the only one worth studying for is my guitar exam. homework? LOL..

SENIORITIS (n.) Definition - A common disease which plagues high school seniors at one point during their last year in high school. Before they graduate, they are overcome with a lazy and indifferent attitude; uncaring of their studies. There are many different causes of the disease, but it can often be contagious between close friends. Often results in a change in personal style; from anything beforehand to sweats and baggy shirts. Hair is barely ever brushed; or for women, is up in a messy bun or ponytail. They might have many absences and a generally dismissive outlook towards any type of labor whatsoever. (taken from Urban Dictionary)

anyways, what i'm trying to say is i'm not stressed in the slightest. the only thing on my mind is "damn, i've only gotten four hours of sleep the last few nights, and tonight's just the same."

anyways, i'll try to think of something interesting to say next time, lol. be well.

Happy New Year !

it's nice to be back on the Internet - i've missed it so much !

this past month has had its fair share of stressful, hilarious, terrifying, and rewarding times.

we'll start with stressful - college applications, term papers, psych projects, drama performances.. all school-related.

how was it terrifying, might you ask? i conquered a huge fear of mine by donating blood. i am scared shitless of needles, especially ones that penetrate my veins. i always told myself that once i was 17 (the legal age to donate) i would force myself to be strapped in a chair while a nurse pumps blood out of me. AWFUL, AWFUL, AWFUL, but i did it. some lucky person will receive a pint of my blood. =D

i got to spend a lot of time with the "sane" part of my family, which really helped me reset after a string of stressful months.

a week or so before christmas, i went to a small party. it was just five of my closest friends, celebrating the homecoming of Jade, my best friend who lives in Seattle. my friend Misty called me before she arrived, asking if it was ok for her cousin to come with her. he was visiting from Providence and he didn't have any plans for the night. i just met Misty this year, so i don't really know much about her family.

the doorbell rings. i open the door to see her standing with gifts in hand. right behind her is a surprised, bewildered, gorgeous face. without introduction, i knew his name and everything about him, as he was my former boyfriend. i could write a book about the course of our relationship - sort of soap opera-esque, yet he isn't one of those ex-boyfriends that you would hate to see in your doorway. due to the circumstances, we had no choice but to break up. it was quite tragic.

anyways, we got to talking and reconnecting. it was like we never lost touch over the past year and a half - like having a best friend back in your life. we went out for dinner a few nights later and pretty much hung out every day after that. i had him over for one of my christmas dinners, as my family already knew who he was and had a nice opinion of him. pretty much, the last two weeks have been wonderful :)

unfortunately, he had to leave today. we had a nice time, but we both have to return to our realities. it was so great to be with him again, and i hope that we can get an opportunity like that again. maybe i'll type out our whole twisted history another day, if anyone's interested lol.

(the picture in the previous post was of us on vacation about a year ago. it was a common sight that one of my friends thought they would capture.)

like i said, it's back to reality now. i've thought of a few new year's resolutions so far..

1. read a different book every week (and finish them !)
2. get better at the guitar
3. cut out sugars, completely. (pipe dream!)
4. write to you all more often =)
5. keep my bedroom clean
6. say "no" to drugs/alcohol (at least until the summer. scotland's legal drinking age is 18 and i might be visiting the hash-brownie-coffee-shops of Amsterdam =D )
7. uh.. create my Zombie Survival Plan. (currently reading the Zombie Survival Guide, lol)

anyone have any good new year's resolutions?
hope you all had the happiest of times this holiday season.