A Look Into the Future.

so, i guess tomorrow is the guidance departments' deadline to let them know which schools you're applying for.

bleh.

i think i'm only applying to one state school. that's it.

my plan (as of now)
- my first choice is to go to the college i'm applying for. i want to be a communications major (concentration in film ?) and their program is really good. so good, that it's really competitive. my GPA isn't too high, my SAT scores are 100 points below the requirement, but i'm a girl - apparently not enough girls apply for the program, so i have a better chance ? how sexist.. anyways, if i get in, i get a really cool internship my senior year. After this, i'm moving to Scotland. who knows for how long.
- if i don't get into the program i want, it's off to Scotland, anyway. i'll try to look for colleges over there, maybe a relevant job, if i can. this option is so much more complicated and expensive, but it's still something that i would love to do. the ideal situation would be to find a good school, get in, and someday get a job at BBC.
- if that fails, i'm screwed, lol.

i'm feeling pretty good, though. just completed my second day of fasting! it's been a while since i could even go a day without eating. =D

Best Moment of Your Life?

my answer on the PT fourms ...

last year - 311 concert, about 15 minutes after i smoked my first blunt.

the anticipation for the band to start and the lights to turn on, the intro to the first song was extended so you didn't know when it was going to start. the song was called "Neverending Summer" - the perfect song for the greatest summer of my life.

finally, the the lights flashed on and the singing begain - the first lyrics were "I tell you what i like, this moment of unity"

the feeling of "i fucking love this band" blew me away, as it usually does at their concerts, but for some reason this particular time was just... i can't even put it into words. i just remember my body losing control - my arms just started swinging all over the pace, punching the person next to me and just jumping wildly as i was belting out the lyrics.

best moment of my life.

just thought i should share. =D

i feel like such a little kid...

so i've mentioned Macauley, right? the guy that i met this summer in Scotland, that one drunken night playing Dungeons and Dragons?

anyways, i've got such a huge schoolgirl crush on him, it's actually hilarious.

we've been talking a lot and getting to know each other through facebook (i know, lame, but we're an ocean apart) and doing those stupid questionnaire things about our friends. we usually answer the ones that come up about the other - i usually answer with stupid, funny assumptions, and he usually answers with sweet, flirtatious remarks. i feel so stupid writing this, lol.

so today there was a question along the lines of which cartoon character am i most like, and he said [some female character] because she's the prettiest !

it's embarrassing, but this totally made my day - i have super-low self confidence in my looks, to that really made me feel good, especially coming from him !

now you all know how pathetic i am. enjoy.

ps. i fasted for the whole day, today. that hasn't happened since July. maybe i'll continue ?

you may now continue laughing at the pathetic-ness of this post =D

Happy Thanksgiving !

today is a perfect to enjoy time spent with the most meaningful people in your life. thank them for all that they do for you. truely cherish the bond you share and the time you have together, for everything could change in an instant. let them know how much they mean to you. although this may seem cliche and uncomfortable for some, it's something we all need to do once in a while.

even though you'll most likely be pressured to eat loads, enjoy being with the ones you love. it's just one day, one large meal. you'll have plenty of time to work it off, or whatever you do.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. =D

Still Here !

sorry, it's been a while. i feel that i say that in many of my posts ..

anyways, life has been treating me... (insert adverb here)

i've been so busy with school crap, applying to college, recovering from the flu !

unfortunately, i haven't lost any weight whatsoever ! what the hell?!?

i think i should fast for the next two days - i know Thanksgiving is going to be disastrous. to make it worse, i have to attend a second Thanksgiving meal on saturday. my family is trying to kill me.

it's going to be a long week, although we're off from school after tomorrow. on top of everything, i need to write a script for drama class. i'm awful at being creative like that! any ideas? it only has to be a couple of pages..

anyways, perhaps i'll write tomorrow.

This Glorious Saturday.

despite being deathly ill, i've actually gotten things done around the house.

i spent hours cleaning my room yesterday, i did four loads of laundry, i put all of my clothes away, re-arranged my bedroom, vaccummed (broke the vaccuum, then fixed it again,) changed my sheets.. the list goes on. what a change from sitting in bed all day - i'm surprised i didn't faint !

this morning my alarm went off, i put on jeans, and left the house (none of the above have happened in the last week.) i visited a state college that i'm planning to attend next year.

the campus tour in the hurricaine-like wind and rain probably isn't helping me get any healthier.

oh, and while my sister was home alone, she decided to make brownies. since i'm not really used to restricting as much as i have in the last week, i was too hungry not to have a couple, followed by a slice of pizza for dinner. chips and salsa too. oh, don't forget the hot chocolate (LOADED with sugar) that i had at the college... and vanilla pudding. i was awful today. =/

i think i'll fast tomorrow - i haven't done that in.... months. =D

Big Steps.

i just threw away all of my (should i say, my mom's) cigarettes. i know i should have done this earlier...

its not like i was really addicted, i just liked to turn to them when i was stressed..

even though yesterday i ate way more than i have normally, i've been doing pretty well on this whole stop-binging-so-i-can-actually-start-to-lose-weight thing. i've been keeping under 500 calories for the most part. it's been easy lately because i'm sick with the SWINE FLU. awesome, right?

anyways, once i'm better, i'm going to start running (i hope.) cigarettes just made it that much harder.

ah, well. i should get back to cleaning my room right now... byeeeeeee

Happy 17 5/12ths Birthday to Me!

how surprising.

usually when i find a source of happiness like this, it wears off within a day or two.

such motivation that i have found is most always shot down by my own insecurity.

not this time.

i'm in the happiest state of mind right now. in the face of the terrors that are "growing up" and being sent out into the real world, i am completely unfazed.

brilliant.

i don't even care that i'm sick right now - i may have bronchitis. a good 20% of my school is out with flu symptoms, by the way. pretty soon, they're gonna give us a week off because of it ! tomorrow i'll be enjoying my sick day. everyone loves a day off.

oh, and it seems that i have lost 8 pounds since wednesday! i nearly forgot what positive energy like this does to me!

First Brilliant Day I've Had in a LONG Time.

i feel absolutely refreshed. although feeling good like this somehow equals restricting calories to under 500 unconsciously and automatically (which i am gonna try to change), i feel wonderful. it's been too long since i've been able to say that. =D

ok, quick update.

so.. today i was "browsing" on facebook (some may call it facebook stalking.) i just wanted to see people's Halloween costumes, so i made my way over to my cousin's photo album. since he's all the way in Scotland, i wouldn't really talk to him in between visits if it weren't for facebook.

quick flashback

this summer i went to my cousin's friend's birthday party. the people there were kind of... weird. there was beer available, so i had a few to loosen up. eight or nine Budweisers later, and i was playing Dungeons and Dragons with some guys. although i don't really remember much, i do remember a geeky, yet adorable guy helping me through the game - explaining the complicated instructions that i pretended to understand. helping me read some cards despite my tunnel-vision. i did remember his name, though - Macauley. we flirted innocently (from what i can remember.) he eventually left the party and left me with a really happy feeling - i had just broken up with someone i had deeply cared for a few months before and hadn't felt as light as i did when i met him (is that what "love at first sight" is? not that i really believe in it..) even after the alcohol wore off, i still felt the same. anyways, i left for America a few days later.

ok, so maybe the flashback wasn't as quick as promised. i got a little wrapped up. now, back to the facebook story.

i found a picture of my cousin's Halloween party, and then his friend's profile. i sort of awkwardly sent him a Friend request with a note, remember me? i'm the annoying American girl who drank all of your beer at your birthday party....
/rambling

to get to the point, i found Macauley's profile. i'm excited to be in touch again. i've been inspired to shape up my life for the summer when i get to see him again. i use "shape up" in every sense. ideally, i would like to improve my health... healthily. that means no fasting for extended periods of time, no major restricting, no binging or purging attempts. i'm going to start running again, stop smoking (weed included,) and most importantly, BE POSITIVE

SO Many Forks in the Road...

an email i just wrote to my dad - pretty much describes my current conflict with my future.

feeling pretty uneasy about where i'm going to be a year from now.. i've been visiting with a few college reps at my school, NOT talking to my guidance councelor, listening to mom's prejudice suggestions, my sister's pleas for me to stay in the house forever, and my friends' plans. they each give me a different picture of how my life could be. every day, a "master plan" is created, then shot down by another.

pretty much, my influences include:

mom - go to a state or community college for a bit. live at home. become a nurse. have no life. boo.

random adults - go to community college. ehhh.

my tool-box of a guidance councelor - might as well drop out now. according to him, i'm not getting into college. no admissions person in their right mind would accept someone who didn't go above and beyond the math requirement. that jerk.

my sister - wants me to have a baby? lol. she's weird...

my friends - really don't care what i do. they've already got things figured out - they don't need to go through that thinking process again for me.

ME. DOESN'T ANYONE CARE WHAT I WANT TO DO? - well, now that you've asked, i would like to either of the following (none that mom agrees with, mind you)

a. (first choice)go to a state school as mom suggested, but live on campus. i don't care that its gonna cost $20,000 more total. that's why they made student loans. i want to start a new chapter of my life. i don't want to still be living here where i have been for the last 17 (well, 10) years. i've developed awful study habits here, and i know i'm just going to continue to be a slacker. plus, i want to have a "college experience" just like every other normal kid i know.
b. (tied with first choice)if that doesn't work/go over well with mom/i change my mind, i think i'll head overseas. i really miss everyone after living with them for an extended period of time. i feel like i've been more down since i last came home, plus i'm just sort of sick of my surroundings. i just need a change.
c)if the above two didn't work out, i'll just join the peace corps.
d)if that's not allowed either, i'll just drop out and get knocked up as my sister and guidance councellor have suggested..... (kidding.)

anyways, that's my plan. don't make me write out a list of possible majors.

ndfhgjvnh mj vicmjidfvhgcjkfhdjfkbgvcndfmvb hjdfnbcgjbsnfb.

sorry.

it's been a while.

i got to a pretty low point soon after my last post - the lowest i've ever been. sort of a breakdown mixed with sleepiness and PMS.

thankfully, things started to look up. most of the smaller issues resolved themselves, and the bigger ones are looking better.

Why must I think of this until I find
peace and quiet in the clouding of my mind
there were times I thought I'd never come around
I can tell things are getting ok now
-311

anyways, i'll elaborate more later. for no reason at all, i am happy. i'll take it and run.