Fail Fail Fail.

so i did the salt water flush - it didn't work as well as i thought.

otherwise, this summer has been nothing but a binge-fest. i think my vacation completely ruined my habits - i'm so used to eating shite. i thought that if i just ate junk food, i would get sick of it. i think i became addicted instead. #$@*&!.

school starts on Wednesday. this is what i'm thinking

WED 2 Sept - Fast
THURS 3 Sept - Fast
FRI 4 Sept - Fast
SAT 5 Sept - (Cookout) Just enough to not get noticed.
SUN 6 Sept - Salt Water Flush ?
MON 7 Sept - Begin ABC - 500 cals.

i'm maybe thinking of combining the ABC diet with the Apple diet. obviously, not ABC in its entirety. that would look suspicious. i'll see what i can do, though.

Salt Water Flush.

this morning i woke up at 6 to text my mom to pick up some sea salt on her way home from her graveyard shift - of course she didn't, so i had to drive out to the grocery store to get it myself.

my sister caught me in the middle of mixing the salt and the water - i made some excuse and told her to go away.

so all 4 cups went down... smoothly? no. i feel like i could puke right now. my stomach is sort of gurggling and i'm really hot. TMI ? ok i'll stop. talk later !

Back Home.

so i left my grandparents' house at 5 am with my cousin. we traveled to the Edinburgh Airport together because he was leaving for Denver to meet friends for a game expo. his flight was 20 minutes after mine so he sat with me until i left.

you know that feeling when you so DESPERATELY want to cry your eyes out, but you hold it back because you're in a public place? it sucks. i spent the whole flight to Dublin really upset. my actions during take-off worried the people around me - my legs were shaking uncontrollably, i chugged two bottles of water, and i had to keep wiping my tears away with my sweatshirt. all while sitting sort of hunched over with my head on the seat in front of me. i pretty much remained in this position throughout the flight. all because my cousin waited with me at the gate

until the very last second. it was sort of like a tease - like we were preparing to depart together. knowing that i can't see him or my family for at least another year or two broke my heart.

so i'm home and very depressed. "Home" doesn't feel like home. it just feels like an address. as much as Scotland sometimes makes me want to return back here, i feel like i've stayed there long enough to call it home. i'm looking into officially moving over there next year. i feel like there's nothing left for me here...

anyways, now that i've returned, i'm ready to get seriously concentrated. i ate a lot of my plane food, as well as come cereal yesterday. so far today, i've only had water. i'm hoping to fast until sunday or monday, but i might possibly be starting ABC today instead. i feel too depressed to eat anything right now...

Why, Oh Why....

... do people feel the need to terrorize others over the internet?

i was on the PrettyThin forum today (my pro-ana website of choice. it's amazing) and this girl posted something along the lines of "i'm gonna get all of my friends to take over this site with spam." meaning: i'm gonna attempt to create over 8000 accounts so i can make people feel bad.. by myself.

she can do whatever she wants, i guess. what i really don't support is her bullying.

although i don't know many of them personally, there are some really great people who post things everyday. i have made friends with some of them - they are a special kind of friend who you can share EVERYTHING (i mean, everything) with, even though you don't know them too well. no matter what, they will never judge you. they are all strong, beautiful individuals who deserve some respect for their dedication. they don't need someone pretending to have an eating disorder judging them.

i guess people take the "fat" comments in different ways. some get their feelings hurt, some simply ignore the naysayers insults, and others draw motivation from these words. for some people, being called "fat" makes them feel awful and binge, and others work harder for this to be even more of a contradiction.

another thing that i don't support is some people's need to return the favor with more hurtful words. this is an awful way of defending yourself. how much better do those people look in the eyes of others? the online community won't be any less tense. two wrongs don't make a right... bla bla bla. i sound really cliché right now, i'm sorry you had to endure this. i'll stop ranting now. if you read this, thanks. feel free to reply with your responses. =D

ps. i'll try to find some of my favorite thinspos and post them later.

Creeeeped Out.

(as i posted on prettythin.com)


so today my cousin called me and asked if i wanted to go to the movies with him and his dad. his dad (my aunt's ex-husband) just came back from Nigeria where he works, so he wanted to spend some time with us.

although he sort of makes me feel uncomfortable, i keep in touch with him over facebook and stuff when he's working - we don't really write that often, but he sort of checks up on me. even though he's not really a part of my family anymore, he still wants me to visit him when i'm in scotland.

anyways, after we saw the movie and stuff, he dropped off my cousin and he was driving me home. he was telling me that i should come over to his apartment - at this point, i was feeling uncomfortable again, almost like he wanted me there ALONE or something. then he said that he had some wine that he was saving and we could drink it. he had some other liquor there that we would drink as well. we could just chill out away from the rest of the family.

then he pulled into my driveway and he further tried to convince me to come over in a few days. i said goodbye and i got out of the car - when i turned to close the door, i noticed that he had been starting at my ass. when he finally decided to look me in the eyes again he said see you later - sort of suggestively.

i don't want to be rude and not visit, but he wants me alone in his apartment with liquor when he knows i'm an alcoholic - almost like he WANTS me to be so drunk i'll black out. maybe i'm being paranoid and its all in my head, but he gives off a wierd vibe like he would do that.

i just really wanted to tell someone.

Vacation. All I Ever Wanted ?

So i'm here in lovely Scotland visiting my family. i left home the 28th of July and was meant to be staying for two weeks but was somehow talked into staying four. although visiting is fun, i'm MISERABLE.

let me tell you, i've never eaten so much junk food in my life. i am petrified to look at the scale. this is turning into a 4-week bingefest. i cannot wait to return to the normality of home. i've been thinking of moving over here next year, but there's no doubt that my weight would end up going up by the hundreds. no one eats healthy food. no one that i know, anyways. for breakfast, i am handed two chocolate bars. what the hell?

i suppose there are people here that aren't like that. maybe it is my family just wanting to "take care of me." it seems that their whole days revolve around food. when you skip a meal, it definitely doesn't go unnoticed.

anyways, i'll be back home in Boston on the 25th. a week before school resumes. awesome.

i'm trying to create a detox diet plan for when i return home, any suggestions?

Hello =D

If you don't already know me, let me introduce myself. I'm Audreena.

In case you were wondering, i have been blessed with an ED. Great, right?

Being negative gets you no where. Therefore, i strive to be as positive as i can.

i like to share my opinions, but i keep them to myself if i feel that there is a chance of someone being offended. i stay away from controversial issues such as religion and politics - on these subjects, i remain neutral. although i have my own beliefs and theories, i still hold an extremely open mind. i have friends of different religious affiliations, sexual orientations, and races. i see everyone as an equal and treat them as so.


Anyways, i'll post when i feel like updating. I'm in scotland at the moment, so posting may be limited. Talk to you later =D