so i left my grandparents' house at 5 am with my cousin. we traveled to the Edinburgh Airport together because he was leaving for Denver to meet friends for a game expo. his flight was 20 minutes after mine so he sat with me until i left.
you know that feeling when you so DESPERATELY want to cry your eyes out, but you hold it back because you're in a public place? it sucks. i spent the whole flight to Dublin really upset. my actions during take-off worried the people around me - my legs were shaking uncontrollably, i chugged two bottles of water, and i had to keep wiping my tears away with my sweatshirt. all while sitting sort of hunched over with my head on the seat in front of me. i pretty much remained in this position throughout the flight. all because my cousin waited with me at the gate
until the very last second. it was sort of like a tease - like we were preparing to depart together. knowing that i can't see him or my family for at least another year or two broke my heart.
so i'm home and very depressed. "Home" doesn't feel like home. it just feels like an address. as much as Scotland sometimes makes me want to return back here, i feel like i've stayed there long enough to call it home. i'm looking into officially moving over there next year. i feel like there's nothing left for me here...
anyways, now that i've returned, i'm ready to get seriously concentrated. i ate a lot of my plane food, as well as come cereal yesterday. so far today, i've only had water. i'm hoping to fast until sunday or monday, but i might possibly be starting ABC today instead. i feel too depressed to eat anything right now...
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