... my life, i mean.
just to rewind - October was a shit month. i've never been so depressed in my life. in the beginning of november, Macauley showed up (figuratively - he's an ocean away -.- ) and imminently rescued my from that dark place. now, by january, we have been speaking on a somewhat regular basis.
(excuse me for sounding desperate and needy.)
we haven't spoken in two weeks. i talked to my cousin today (the one who introduced us) and he mentioned that Macauley called him a few times this afternoon. i was intrigued. it turned out to just be about work stuff, but my curiosity was enough for my cousin to sort of poke fun at me - i mentioned that i've been speaking to Macauley, and my cousin said he wasn't surprised, "you're pretty smitten with him - you have been since that night." i didn't realize it was that obvious.. it's not like i've spoken about him since the night we met.. (other than on Blogger ;P)
it just makes me extremely self-concious.. has Macauley been talking about me? does he want me to leave him alone? my cousin also added that he's not bringing me to a party ever again, by the way. :|
i'm thinking about not even visiting, now. i don't want to sit around with my grandparents for two months when i can be out partying (legally.)
i just feel like they're laughing at my desperation. it's pointing me to the direction of where i was in October..
once again, sorry for sounding dramatic. i read this and dislike myself.
Monday 25 January 2010
Thursday 21 January 2010
6 Questions.
Have you ever been to a funeral out of respect for a distant family member you never really got to know? Did it impact on a deeper emotional level than you ever thought it would?
Have you ever thought you were setting an a good example for someone who looks up to you, when in fact, you were doing the complete opposite?
Have you ever felt like you loved someone you didn't even know that well? Have you ever missed that person so much, it actually caused you to feel physically drained?
Have you ever felt so remorseful over the absence of a stranger and hope and pray for their safety and return?
Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes.
All of the above in the same day?
Yes.
Have you ever thought you were setting an a good example for someone who looks up to you, when in fact, you were doing the complete opposite?
Have you ever felt like you loved someone you didn't even know that well? Have you ever missed that person so much, it actually caused you to feel physically drained?
Have you ever felt so remorseful over the absence of a stranger and hope and pray for their safety and return?
Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes.
All of the above in the same day?
Yes.
Tuesday 5 January 2010
Insomnia !
one awful thing about school vacation? it majorly screws with my sleeping habits! since i'm so used to going to bed at 3, right now, at nearly 11:30, i am wide awake. i have to wake up at 5, you know!
ah, well. that's what coffee was made for.
i think it's funny how everyone in my grade is all stressed out right now.. "OMG, college apps!" or "Midterm exams are in two weeks! I haven't even started studying!" and "I have SO MUCH homework to do, but i have three psychology projects to do instead!"
.. am i missing something? i've already applied to college. if i get in, i get in. although i'd love to get accepted, my life would still go on if i don't. midterms? the only one worth studying for is my guitar exam. homework? LOL..
SENIORITIS (n.) Definition - A common disease which plagues high school seniors at one point during their last year in high school. Before they graduate, they are overcome with a lazy and indifferent attitude; uncaring of their studies. There are many different causes of the disease, but it can often be contagious between close friends. Often results in a change in personal style; from anything beforehand to sweats and baggy shirts. Hair is barely ever brushed; or for women, is up in a messy bun or ponytail. They might have many absences and a generally dismissive outlook towards any type of labor whatsoever. (taken from Urban Dictionary)
anyways, what i'm trying to say is i'm not stressed in the slightest. the only thing on my mind is "damn, i've only gotten four hours of sleep the last few nights, and tonight's just the same."
anyways, i'll try to think of something interesting to say next time, lol. be well.
ah, well. that's what coffee was made for.
i think it's funny how everyone in my grade is all stressed out right now.. "OMG, college apps!" or "Midterm exams are in two weeks! I haven't even started studying!" and "I have SO MUCH homework to do, but i have three psychology projects to do instead!"
.. am i missing something? i've already applied to college. if i get in, i get in. although i'd love to get accepted, my life would still go on if i don't. midterms? the only one worth studying for is my guitar exam. homework? LOL..
SENIORITIS (n.) Definition - A common disease which plagues high school seniors at one point during their last year in high school. Before they graduate, they are overcome with a lazy and indifferent attitude; uncaring of their studies. There are many different causes of the disease, but it can often be contagious between close friends. Often results in a change in personal style; from anything beforehand to sweats and baggy shirts. Hair is barely ever brushed; or for women, is up in a messy bun or ponytail. They might have many absences and a generally dismissive outlook towards any type of labor whatsoever. (taken from Urban Dictionary)
anyways, what i'm trying to say is i'm not stressed in the slightest. the only thing on my mind is "damn, i've only gotten four hours of sleep the last few nights, and tonight's just the same."
anyways, i'll try to think of something interesting to say next time, lol. be well.
Friday 1 January 2010
Happy New Year !
it's nice to be back on the Internet - i've missed it so much !
this past month has had its fair share of stressful, hilarious, terrifying, and rewarding times.
we'll start with stressful - college applications, term papers, psych projects, drama performances.. all school-related.
how was it terrifying, might you ask? i conquered a huge fear of mine by donating blood. i am scared shitless of needles, especially ones that penetrate my veins. i always told myself that once i was 17 (the legal age to donate) i would force myself to be strapped in a chair while a nurse pumps blood out of me. AWFUL, AWFUL, AWFUL, but i did it. some lucky person will receive a pint of my blood. =D
i got to spend a lot of time with the "sane" part of my family, which really helped me reset after a string of stressful months.
a week or so before christmas, i went to a small party. it was just five of my closest friends, celebrating the homecoming of Jade, my best friend who lives in Seattle. my friend Misty called me before she arrived, asking if it was ok for her cousin to come with her. he was visiting from Providence and he didn't have any plans for the night. i just met Misty this year, so i don't really know much about her family.
the doorbell rings. i open the door to see her standing with gifts in hand. right behind her is a surprised, bewildered, gorgeous face. without introduction, i knew his name and everything about him, as he was my former boyfriend. i could write a book about the course of our relationship - sort of soap opera-esque, yet he isn't one of those ex-boyfriends that you would hate to see in your doorway. due to the circumstances, we had no choice but to break up. it was quite tragic.
anyways, we got to talking and reconnecting. it was like we never lost touch over the past year and a half - like having a best friend back in your life. we went out for dinner a few nights later and pretty much hung out every day after that. i had him over for one of my christmas dinners, as my family already knew who he was and had a nice opinion of him. pretty much, the last two weeks have been wonderful :)
unfortunately, he had to leave today. we had a nice time, but we both have to return to our realities. it was so great to be with him again, and i hope that we can get an opportunity like that again. maybe i'll type out our whole twisted history another day, if anyone's interested lol.
(the picture in the previous post was of us on vacation about a year ago. it was a common sight that one of my friends thought they would capture.)
like i said, it's back to reality now. i've thought of a few new year's resolutions so far..
1. read a different book every week (and finish them !)
2. get better at the guitar
3. cut out sugars, completely. (pipe dream!)
4. write to you all more often =)
5. keep my bedroom clean
6. say "no" to drugs/alcohol (at least until the summer. scotland's legal drinking age is 18 and i might be visiting the hash-brownie-coffee-shops of Amsterdam =D )
7. uh.. create my Zombie Survival Plan. (currently reading the Zombie Survival Guide, lol)
anyone have any good new year's resolutions?
hope you all had the happiest of times this holiday season.
this past month has had its fair share of stressful, hilarious, terrifying, and rewarding times.
we'll start with stressful - college applications, term papers, psych projects, drama performances.. all school-related.
how was it terrifying, might you ask? i conquered a huge fear of mine by donating blood. i am scared shitless of needles, especially ones that penetrate my veins. i always told myself that once i was 17 (the legal age to donate) i would force myself to be strapped in a chair while a nurse pumps blood out of me. AWFUL, AWFUL, AWFUL, but i did it. some lucky person will receive a pint of my blood. =D
i got to spend a lot of time with the "sane" part of my family, which really helped me reset after a string of stressful months.
a week or so before christmas, i went to a small party. it was just five of my closest friends, celebrating the homecoming of Jade, my best friend who lives in Seattle. my friend Misty called me before she arrived, asking if it was ok for her cousin to come with her. he was visiting from Providence and he didn't have any plans for the night. i just met Misty this year, so i don't really know much about her family.
the doorbell rings. i open the door to see her standing with gifts in hand. right behind her is a surprised, bewildered, gorgeous face. without introduction, i knew his name and everything about him, as he was my former boyfriend. i could write a book about the course of our relationship - sort of soap opera-esque, yet he isn't one of those ex-boyfriends that you would hate to see in your doorway. due to the circumstances, we had no choice but to break up. it was quite tragic.
anyways, we got to talking and reconnecting. it was like we never lost touch over the past year and a half - like having a best friend back in your life. we went out for dinner a few nights later and pretty much hung out every day after that. i had him over for one of my christmas dinners, as my family already knew who he was and had a nice opinion of him. pretty much, the last two weeks have been wonderful :)
unfortunately, he had to leave today. we had a nice time, but we both have to return to our realities. it was so great to be with him again, and i hope that we can get an opportunity like that again. maybe i'll type out our whole twisted history another day, if anyone's interested lol.
(the picture in the previous post was of us on vacation about a year ago. it was a common sight that one of my friends thought they would capture.)
like i said, it's back to reality now. i've thought of a few new year's resolutions so far..
1. read a different book every week (and finish them !)
2. get better at the guitar
3. cut out sugars, completely. (pipe dream!)
4. write to you all more often =)
5. keep my bedroom clean
6. say "no" to drugs/alcohol (at least until the summer. scotland's legal drinking age is 18 and i might be visiting the hash-brownie-coffee-shops of Amsterdam =D )
7. uh.. create my Zombie Survival Plan. (currently reading the Zombie Survival Guide, lol)
anyone have any good new year's resolutions?
hope you all had the happiest of times this holiday season.
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