Heh, heh.

i'm not even going to talk about how my diet's going.

on the bright side, it's that time of year when my sister reveals my mom's secrets about what she's getting me for Christmas. this year it's a treadmill ! i HATE running on my street. first of all, its a main road that goes through four different towns. the speed limit is 50, but even as a teen driver, i usually go 60-65 to avoid being overtaken. there aren't any sidewalks. basically, it's an extremely busy and dangerous road that no one runs on. even animals avoid crossing.

i'm trying to decide if i hint towards an elliptical instead... what do you think?

so tomorrow is the fourth day of spirit week at my lovely high school. it's 80's day. i'm dressing in obnoxious neon colors. its gonna be degrading.

as far as what i'm eating tomorrow - i'm going to aim for nothing. AIM FOR. sdjfnusifvhidhygushvygdcjusfhgcsin. bye.

I'm Ready.

so i was planning to start ABC tomorrow, but someone on PrettyThin is doing a similar plan - its pretty much the same structure as ABC, but no/low carb. i'll try it, but i think i'll run out of foods! pretty much, all you can eat is celery lol. like i said, i'll try it tomorrow.

on a sad note, i just found out that a dear member of my family has been diagnosed with a fast-moving form of lung cancer. ever since i was a little girl, i would go to his house to attend a Christmas Eve party. it was and remains what i look forward to every year. its more fun than Christmas morning !

well, i've been informed that he probably won't make it until Christmas. it definitely won't be the same without him. what is going on this year? so many loved ones are dying (well, my uncle is actually the only one - i did love Billy Mays and Patrick Swayze as well!)

i'd like to remain optimistic and wish the best. he's a strong guy. eighty years old, but strong. i'd like to think that he'll make it longer than anticipated.

anyways, i'll update tomorrow on my day o' celery, lol.

Seriously, Now.

have any of you ever watched "The Nanny"? its usually on Nick at Nite and it is brilliantly comical. its sort of my favorite thing to do right now - i come home from school and i watch the episodes that i recorded the night before. anyways, after watching a couple episodes tonight, i realized that it is ruining my diet plans.

most everyday now, i have been trying to fast. i make it through the school day perfectly fine, but once i come home and watch the Nanny, i cave. i believe this is because everyone in the show is always eating! the main character, Fran,is always in the kitchen helping herself to cakes and other assorted goods and it makes me think, "how can she eat all of THAT and still look the way she does?" i mean, she's not extremely thin or anything, but she is sort of thinspirational. i think one time another character referred to her as being 5'7" and 110 pounds..

either way, watching everyone eating in the show makes me hungry. i can't forget about that nagging voice in my head because 5 minutes later, they're eating again! ahhh! i love the show though... what to do...

STARTING THE ABC DIET ON MONDAY. Seriously this time. Summer's over. i need to get over myself - i need to stop being depressed, get off of my ass, and try to make things better. even if i can't fix a lot of things right now, at least i can control what goes into my mouth.

Ramblings.

i have no clue who even reads this. if you actually DO, then you're gonna end up knowing a lot about me, lol.

so time to ramble. i think this is one of the contributing factors of my depression.

i've been in TRUE love three times in my life. already? yes. i don't really like to "go public" when i'm with someone, so i tend to sort of sneak around with them. i'm awful. anyways, the first guy i ever loved was my best friend's cousin. he was a few years older than me - we used to visit him and his family in another state and we were.... together. no one knew. no one knows to this day. but we were in love. he would sometimes come to my state to visit as well, so we got to see each other a few times a year. otherwise, we didn't really have any contact.

we would date other people, but we would always be together when we saw each other - hate to say this, but we would be together regardless of who we were seeing at the time. it would only be for a few days. after that, we would resume our lives with our significant other. boyfriends and girlfriends would come and go, but we always had the steady reassurance that we had each other. sort of like a safety net.

we knew that one day, we could REALLY be together. once we were older, we could move closer to each other and stop the sneaking around. this idea crashed and burned about 5 months ago when i found out that his girlfriend was pregnant. it wasn't exactly planned, but it wasn't an accident either.

we haven't seen each other since. we haven't talked about it. i don't think we ever will. i doubt he will drive down to see me anymore - i don't think i'll go up to visit. i mean, he has a CHILD now - a family. i don't want to mess with that.

anyways, his girlfriend/fiancee, whatever, just had her baby a couple of days ago. i saw pictures online, and its a beautiful baby girl. its weird, because i always dreamed that i would be in her position, holding his baby one day. these last few years have been a waste of time. like all of the memories have been forgotten.

i feel better now that i've typed that. if you read, thanks.

jdshgusfhgsiufhdg. Depressed.

trying SO HARD to be positive right now. its not happening. everyone has their dark days, right?

right after sending my dad an email which he will receive in jail, i went on to prettythin. i saw a post where a girl was talking about how her husband is taking pills again - he lies to her, its ruining her marriage, etc. she was asking where to look for his stash.

so i replied with some of my life story, lol.

"my parents went through the same exact thing.

my dad was addicted to alcohol, oxycontin and oxycodone. he stole these drugs from the hospital where he worked. he got caught and now he's locked up because of it. he's missing my high school graduation, he missed my sister growing up, and we've pretty much been fatherless for 5 years now. we get to talk on the phone for 10 minutes once or twice a week, which means my sister and i have 5 minutes each. some relationship, huh? my mom's credit, family, and life were ruined because of his actions.

i hope your husband knows what he's facing if he continues. unfortunately, he is an addict. its not going to stop. you're just hurting yourself and your family giving him chance after chance, trust me. it's not easy to explain to your friends at 12 years old that your dad is in a federal prison. at 9 years old, its not easy to see your father passed out on the couch every night from taking drugs.

i've found my fair share of pills around the house. try cabinets in the kitchen, try his socks, search the basement.. areas where he can get his pills quietly and quick. places so obvious you wouldn't even think to look."

I'm back.

i've been going through a lot lately. i've been really stressed out with school starting up again and having to deal with some other personal issues - having to deal with sort of being involved in a love triangle.. i'll explain my twisted love life later. all of my goals have been put on the back-burner. i am the exact same weight now as i was before summer even started. the exact same weight as i have been for a few years.

well, i'm sick of it. tomorrow is the day that i change for good. my weight is now my number one problem.

its almost like within the last couple months or so, i have sort of lost touch with ana. i should see this as a blessing, but i REALLY need to get back into the swing of thigs - i miss the structure and orginization that came with ana.

i'm reclaiming it tomorrow.

First Day of School

so my classes were... alright. my fast lasted until lunch when my friend sacrificed half of her lunch for me. she wouldn't give up until i ate. so, there was my excuse to binge a bit when i got home.

i'll give it another shot tomorrow.

Summer, Never Ending Summer.

tomorrow i embark on my senior year of high school. very hard to imagine - i still remember the first day of freshman year. i still remember my first day of kindergarden. how time flies....

so i'm getting my senior pictures taken tomorrow by a professional photographer. i wish i could have been thinner for them.

i'm thinking of sticking to my previous plan. fast tomorrow through friday, then maybe 500 MAXIMUM on saturday, maybe ABC on sunday. i'll see how it goes.

i tried the salt water flush again today. hardly any effect. screw that. never again.

i think i'll start posting everyday now - you can all start to get to know me. =D