i have no clue who even reads this. if you actually DO, then you're gonna end up knowing a lot about me, lol.
so time to ramble. i think this is one of the contributing factors of my depression.
i've been in TRUE love three times in my life. already? yes. i don't really like to "go public" when i'm with someone, so i tend to sort of sneak around with them. i'm awful. anyways, the first guy i ever loved was my best friend's cousin. he was a few years older than me - we used to visit him and his family in another state and we were.... together. no one knew. no one knows to this day. but we were in love. he would sometimes come to my state to visit as well, so we got to see each other a few times a year. otherwise, we didn't really have any contact.
we would date other people, but we would always be together when we saw each other - hate to say this, but we would be together regardless of who we were seeing at the time. it would only be for a few days. after that, we would resume our lives with our significant other. boyfriends and girlfriends would come and go, but we always had the steady reassurance that we had each other. sort of like a safety net.
we knew that one day, we could REALLY be together. once we were older, we could move closer to each other and stop the sneaking around. this idea crashed and burned about 5 months ago when i found out that his girlfriend was pregnant. it wasn't exactly planned, but it wasn't an accident either.
we haven't seen each other since. we haven't talked about it. i don't think we ever will. i doubt he will drive down to see me anymore - i don't think i'll go up to visit. i mean, he has a CHILD now - a family. i don't want to mess with that.
anyways, his girlfriend/fiancee, whatever, just had her baby a couple of days ago. i saw pictures online, and its a beautiful baby girl. its weird, because i always dreamed that i would be in her position, holding his baby one day. these last few years have been a waste of time. like all of the memories have been forgotten.
i feel better now that i've typed that. if you read, thanks.
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Maybe it's for the better... You're still young and there will be others, I assure you. These types of relationships may seem like a good idea at first, but they never work... Having already had a child myself and now having some other bitch raise him, it really hurts. And to get between someone and their child is just wrong, so I would just let them be...
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