Returning Soon!

hello, hello. i'll update this weekend. i have a nice story to tell you - here's a teaser. =P




just wanted to wish everyone a wonderful new year. be safe.

talk soon!

Bye for Now.

still alive.
somewhat miserable, yet not bothered.
there are more important things to be thinking about right now.
enjoying time spent with the family during this holiday season.
just living my life right now - i'll deal with the consequences later.
i'll be back at the end of the month after christmas.

i hope everyone has a very lovely holiday.

love,
Audreena xx

Idiot.

i hit the 96 hour mark of fasting tonight. four days. i lost.. seven pounds? yeah, that's a positive.

the negative? super-fast heartbeat, being out of breath by doing a simple task such as walking up the stairs, zero energy, yet difficulty sleeping. also, i just discovered after all the times i've fasted, i can't laugh! it's just a silent breathing sound. the harder i laugh, the more difficult it is to breathe.

anyways, i decided i would break my fast so i wouldn't end up passing out at some point tomorrow. i made a nice salad with an egg - 100 calories.

but we're talking about Audreena, here. i couldn't just eat 100 calories! of course not!

so when my mom offered me some chocolate covered raisins (my weakness) i accepted. 200 calories.

i went upstairs and went into my drawer to find some pajamas.. there i found a king size hershey bar that my mom bought for me yesterday. i hid it and told her i ate it. of COURSE i had to eat that tonight - 370 calories !

now i'm up to 670 calories for the day. i suppose it's not that bad, but i was really aiming for low-carbohydrates today. it's the next best thing to fasting. 44 carbs in that hershey's bar alone. damn it.

at least today i found out that hershey's bars repulse me. i have a weird bloody-metallic taste in my mouth. at least i may of corrected my metabolism by eating so much after a fast. at least that chocolate bar is gone - i really should have destroyed it yesterday. i'm an idiot. i hope i don't gain it all back!

just in case, i'll fast again tomorrow. i'll ask my mom to go grocery shopping on friday so i can get some low-calorie stuff.

i made a weight-goal list a few weeks ago. i've missed my target for the last two weeks, but my weight today was my goal for this sunday. i'd really like to follow it, so i'll be where i want to be by the time i go to scotland in the summer !

A Look Into the Future.

so, i guess tomorrow is the guidance departments' deadline to let them know which schools you're applying for.

bleh.

i think i'm only applying to one state school. that's it.

my plan (as of now)
- my first choice is to go to the college i'm applying for. i want to be a communications major (concentration in film ?) and their program is really good. so good, that it's really competitive. my GPA isn't too high, my SAT scores are 100 points below the requirement, but i'm a girl - apparently not enough girls apply for the program, so i have a better chance ? how sexist.. anyways, if i get in, i get a really cool internship my senior year. After this, i'm moving to Scotland. who knows for how long.
- if i don't get into the program i want, it's off to Scotland, anyway. i'll try to look for colleges over there, maybe a relevant job, if i can. this option is so much more complicated and expensive, but it's still something that i would love to do. the ideal situation would be to find a good school, get in, and someday get a job at BBC.
- if that fails, i'm screwed, lol.

i'm feeling pretty good, though. just completed my second day of fasting! it's been a while since i could even go a day without eating. =D

Best Moment of Your Life?

my answer on the PT fourms ...

last year - 311 concert, about 15 minutes after i smoked my first blunt.

the anticipation for the band to start and the lights to turn on, the intro to the first song was extended so you didn't know when it was going to start. the song was called "Neverending Summer" - the perfect song for the greatest summer of my life.

finally, the the lights flashed on and the singing begain - the first lyrics were "I tell you what i like, this moment of unity"

the feeling of "i fucking love this band" blew me away, as it usually does at their concerts, but for some reason this particular time was just... i can't even put it into words. i just remember my body losing control - my arms just started swinging all over the pace, punching the person next to me and just jumping wildly as i was belting out the lyrics.

best moment of my life.

just thought i should share. =D

i feel like such a little kid...

so i've mentioned Macauley, right? the guy that i met this summer in Scotland, that one drunken night playing Dungeons and Dragons?

anyways, i've got such a huge schoolgirl crush on him, it's actually hilarious.

we've been talking a lot and getting to know each other through facebook (i know, lame, but we're an ocean apart) and doing those stupid questionnaire things about our friends. we usually answer the ones that come up about the other - i usually answer with stupid, funny assumptions, and he usually answers with sweet, flirtatious remarks. i feel so stupid writing this, lol.

so today there was a question along the lines of which cartoon character am i most like, and he said [some female character] because she's the prettiest !

it's embarrassing, but this totally made my day - i have super-low self confidence in my looks, to that really made me feel good, especially coming from him !

now you all know how pathetic i am. enjoy.

ps. i fasted for the whole day, today. that hasn't happened since July. maybe i'll continue ?

you may now continue laughing at the pathetic-ness of this post =D

Happy Thanksgiving !

today is a perfect to enjoy time spent with the most meaningful people in your life. thank them for all that they do for you. truely cherish the bond you share and the time you have together, for everything could change in an instant. let them know how much they mean to you. although this may seem cliche and uncomfortable for some, it's something we all need to do once in a while.

even though you'll most likely be pressured to eat loads, enjoy being with the ones you love. it's just one day, one large meal. you'll have plenty of time to work it off, or whatever you do.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. =D

Still Here !

sorry, it's been a while. i feel that i say that in many of my posts ..

anyways, life has been treating me... (insert adverb here)

i've been so busy with school crap, applying to college, recovering from the flu !

unfortunately, i haven't lost any weight whatsoever ! what the hell?!?

i think i should fast for the next two days - i know Thanksgiving is going to be disastrous. to make it worse, i have to attend a second Thanksgiving meal on saturday. my family is trying to kill me.

it's going to be a long week, although we're off from school after tomorrow. on top of everything, i need to write a script for drama class. i'm awful at being creative like that! any ideas? it only has to be a couple of pages..

anyways, perhaps i'll write tomorrow.

This Glorious Saturday.

despite being deathly ill, i've actually gotten things done around the house.

i spent hours cleaning my room yesterday, i did four loads of laundry, i put all of my clothes away, re-arranged my bedroom, vaccummed (broke the vaccuum, then fixed it again,) changed my sheets.. the list goes on. what a change from sitting in bed all day - i'm surprised i didn't faint !

this morning my alarm went off, i put on jeans, and left the house (none of the above have happened in the last week.) i visited a state college that i'm planning to attend next year.

the campus tour in the hurricaine-like wind and rain probably isn't helping me get any healthier.

oh, and while my sister was home alone, she decided to make brownies. since i'm not really used to restricting as much as i have in the last week, i was too hungry not to have a couple, followed by a slice of pizza for dinner. chips and salsa too. oh, don't forget the hot chocolate (LOADED with sugar) that i had at the college... and vanilla pudding. i was awful today. =/

i think i'll fast tomorrow - i haven't done that in.... months. =D

Big Steps.

i just threw away all of my (should i say, my mom's) cigarettes. i know i should have done this earlier...

its not like i was really addicted, i just liked to turn to them when i was stressed..

even though yesterday i ate way more than i have normally, i've been doing pretty well on this whole stop-binging-so-i-can-actually-start-to-lose-weight thing. i've been keeping under 500 calories for the most part. it's been easy lately because i'm sick with the SWINE FLU. awesome, right?

anyways, once i'm better, i'm going to start running (i hope.) cigarettes just made it that much harder.

ah, well. i should get back to cleaning my room right now... byeeeeeee

Happy 17 5/12ths Birthday to Me!

how surprising.

usually when i find a source of happiness like this, it wears off within a day or two.

such motivation that i have found is most always shot down by my own insecurity.

not this time.

i'm in the happiest state of mind right now. in the face of the terrors that are "growing up" and being sent out into the real world, i am completely unfazed.

brilliant.

i don't even care that i'm sick right now - i may have bronchitis. a good 20% of my school is out with flu symptoms, by the way. pretty soon, they're gonna give us a week off because of it ! tomorrow i'll be enjoying my sick day. everyone loves a day off.

oh, and it seems that i have lost 8 pounds since wednesday! i nearly forgot what positive energy like this does to me!

First Brilliant Day I've Had in a LONG Time.

i feel absolutely refreshed. although feeling good like this somehow equals restricting calories to under 500 unconsciously and automatically (which i am gonna try to change), i feel wonderful. it's been too long since i've been able to say that. =D

ok, quick update.

so.. today i was "browsing" on facebook (some may call it facebook stalking.) i just wanted to see people's Halloween costumes, so i made my way over to my cousin's photo album. since he's all the way in Scotland, i wouldn't really talk to him in between visits if it weren't for facebook.

quick flashback

this summer i went to my cousin's friend's birthday party. the people there were kind of... weird. there was beer available, so i had a few to loosen up. eight or nine Budweisers later, and i was playing Dungeons and Dragons with some guys. although i don't really remember much, i do remember a geeky, yet adorable guy helping me through the game - explaining the complicated instructions that i pretended to understand. helping me read some cards despite my tunnel-vision. i did remember his name, though - Macauley. we flirted innocently (from what i can remember.) he eventually left the party and left me with a really happy feeling - i had just broken up with someone i had deeply cared for a few months before and hadn't felt as light as i did when i met him (is that what "love at first sight" is? not that i really believe in it..) even after the alcohol wore off, i still felt the same. anyways, i left for America a few days later.

ok, so maybe the flashback wasn't as quick as promised. i got a little wrapped up. now, back to the facebook story.

i found a picture of my cousin's Halloween party, and then his friend's profile. i sort of awkwardly sent him a Friend request with a note, remember me? i'm the annoying American girl who drank all of your beer at your birthday party....
/rambling

to get to the point, i found Macauley's profile. i'm excited to be in touch again. i've been inspired to shape up my life for the summer when i get to see him again. i use "shape up" in every sense. ideally, i would like to improve my health... healthily. that means no fasting for extended periods of time, no major restricting, no binging or purging attempts. i'm going to start running again, stop smoking (weed included,) and most importantly, BE POSITIVE

SO Many Forks in the Road...

an email i just wrote to my dad - pretty much describes my current conflict with my future.

feeling pretty uneasy about where i'm going to be a year from now.. i've been visiting with a few college reps at my school, NOT talking to my guidance councelor, listening to mom's prejudice suggestions, my sister's pleas for me to stay in the house forever, and my friends' plans. they each give me a different picture of how my life could be. every day, a "master plan" is created, then shot down by another.

pretty much, my influences include:

mom - go to a state or community college for a bit. live at home. become a nurse. have no life. boo.

random adults - go to community college. ehhh.

my tool-box of a guidance councelor - might as well drop out now. according to him, i'm not getting into college. no admissions person in their right mind would accept someone who didn't go above and beyond the math requirement. that jerk.

my sister - wants me to have a baby? lol. she's weird...

my friends - really don't care what i do. they've already got things figured out - they don't need to go through that thinking process again for me.

ME. DOESN'T ANYONE CARE WHAT I WANT TO DO? - well, now that you've asked, i would like to either of the following (none that mom agrees with, mind you)

a. (first choice)go to a state school as mom suggested, but live on campus. i don't care that its gonna cost $20,000 more total. that's why they made student loans. i want to start a new chapter of my life. i don't want to still be living here where i have been for the last 17 (well, 10) years. i've developed awful study habits here, and i know i'm just going to continue to be a slacker. plus, i want to have a "college experience" just like every other normal kid i know.
b. (tied with first choice)if that doesn't work/go over well with mom/i change my mind, i think i'll head overseas. i really miss everyone after living with them for an extended period of time. i feel like i've been more down since i last came home, plus i'm just sort of sick of my surroundings. i just need a change.
c)if the above two didn't work out, i'll just join the peace corps.
d)if that's not allowed either, i'll just drop out and get knocked up as my sister and guidance councellor have suggested..... (kidding.)

anyways, that's my plan. don't make me write out a list of possible majors.

ndfhgjvnh mj vicmjidfvhgcjkfhdjfkbgvcndfmvb hjdfnbcgjbsnfb.

sorry.

it's been a while.

i got to a pretty low point soon after my last post - the lowest i've ever been. sort of a breakdown mixed with sleepiness and PMS.

thankfully, things started to look up. most of the smaller issues resolved themselves, and the bigger ones are looking better.

Why must I think of this until I find
peace and quiet in the clouding of my mind
there were times I thought I'd never come around
I can tell things are getting ok now
-311

anyways, i'll elaborate more later. for no reason at all, i am happy. i'll take it and run.

this is my LAST rant post, i swear.

i have been building up my goals/to-do list. its currently saved as a draft and i was planning on posting it tonight. one of my goals was to stop my best friend of 12 years from ruining our friendship over her (first) boyfriend.

this goal was completely shut down - maybe i'll explain later. not really a long nor dramatic story, but its enough to have me in tears. damn it, i was having such a wonderful day, too.

i need a change. once i graduate, i need to re-locate. my mom is making me stay home whilst attending college, but i can no longer stand being confined in this bedroom, a place where i've felt every emotion. there have been times that i've litterally knocked things off my bureau while jumping with excitement. other times, i've laid on the floor and had the biggest meltdowns of my life. i've prayed in here and done some sinful acts.

pretty much, i've lived in the same town and same house for nearly all of my life. i need to get away. my plan: SCOTLAND. there, i have a whole half of my family who love and miss me. i don't get to spend as much time with them as i wish. its weird to think that i've only visited my grandparents around 15 times !

....

on the bright side, i got some exciting news - my dad found out that he will be released 9 months from today!

*breathe*

ok, i've recovered from my mini-meltdown. unfortunately, that happens a lot. i think it was the Famous Grouse whiskey that made the impulsive decision of posting that previous update.

that night i ended up passing out on the sofa for a few hours. i woke myself up around 4 in the morning and made a pot of coffee. i went and took the SATs, surprisingly not hungover when i very well should have been. i actually didn't find them to be too hard - that cockiness may result in an awful score. (i better not jinx myself)

i'm trying to tell myself to deal with all of my problems - so many people have it worse than i do. to be completely honest, i've considered suicide a couple of times. i know that i'm too much of a coward to do it, but sometimes when i'm driving and feeling like my previous post, i think about what it would be like to drive into the nearest tree. it's sad, and i'm trying to fix that.

anyways, i'm sorry for that last post. i haven't felt that low in months. i shouldn't have published that. i'm sorry if i lately haven't been as positive as i advertise. "I'm A Downer and Life Sucks" would probably be a better title right now, lol.

and thank you, Rachael. i very much appreciate your feedback. =)

An Update for Those Who Care.

oh, how i look at my life and laugh uncontrollably.

i'm in love with a guy who i don't and will never have a chance with.

my best friend of 12 years likes her boyfriend more than me - she's decided to apply "early decision" to a college in another state with him... a college that would laugh at my transcript. i know for a fact that she will break all ties with her friends. ps. i don't think ANY of my friends like me anymore.

i need to figure out what i'm doing with my life - fast. by next month, i need to have all of my applications in the mail.

... according to my asshole guidance counsellor, no college is going to accept me, anyways. i might as well start working at mcdonalds. OH, WAIT. i already applied for a job there and didn't hear anything. over 6 months ago. i apply for a different job and different store/restaurant every week. i've NEVER heard anything. looks like i'm living in my teenage bedroom until i get so fat that i can no longer fit through the doorway. my mom would rather kick me out than replace all of the door widths in the house.

i've let myself go. more than ever, i look at myself and see an obese, lazy, bitch. my mom has started to notice that i've gained a little - she didn't set me a place at dinner tonight. she claimed that she heard me say that i didn't want anything. i haven't told her that in way over a month.

oh, AND i have SATS in the morning. my friend and her boyfriend are picking me up at 7 because i don't have money from a job to pay for a car. i haven't studied. i'm going in completely blind. this is the first time i'm taking it. i don't have another opportunity. if i bomb it, i'm definitely not going to college.

dad's mad at me because i don't write him emails to jail. forgot to mention that i'm pretty tipsy at the moment and my "s" key on my laptop has broken off..

good night to all one of you who maybe read some of this. it's ok if you couldn't care less. i've been getting a lot of that lately.

Heh, heh.

i'm not even going to talk about how my diet's going.

on the bright side, it's that time of year when my sister reveals my mom's secrets about what she's getting me for Christmas. this year it's a treadmill ! i HATE running on my street. first of all, its a main road that goes through four different towns. the speed limit is 50, but even as a teen driver, i usually go 60-65 to avoid being overtaken. there aren't any sidewalks. basically, it's an extremely busy and dangerous road that no one runs on. even animals avoid crossing.

i'm trying to decide if i hint towards an elliptical instead... what do you think?

so tomorrow is the fourth day of spirit week at my lovely high school. it's 80's day. i'm dressing in obnoxious neon colors. its gonna be degrading.

as far as what i'm eating tomorrow - i'm going to aim for nothing. AIM FOR. sdjfnusifvhidhygushvygdcjusfhgcsin. bye.

I'm Ready.

so i was planning to start ABC tomorrow, but someone on PrettyThin is doing a similar plan - its pretty much the same structure as ABC, but no/low carb. i'll try it, but i think i'll run out of foods! pretty much, all you can eat is celery lol. like i said, i'll try it tomorrow.

on a sad note, i just found out that a dear member of my family has been diagnosed with a fast-moving form of lung cancer. ever since i was a little girl, i would go to his house to attend a Christmas Eve party. it was and remains what i look forward to every year. its more fun than Christmas morning !

well, i've been informed that he probably won't make it until Christmas. it definitely won't be the same without him. what is going on this year? so many loved ones are dying (well, my uncle is actually the only one - i did love Billy Mays and Patrick Swayze as well!)

i'd like to remain optimistic and wish the best. he's a strong guy. eighty years old, but strong. i'd like to think that he'll make it longer than anticipated.

anyways, i'll update tomorrow on my day o' celery, lol.

Seriously, Now.

have any of you ever watched "The Nanny"? its usually on Nick at Nite and it is brilliantly comical. its sort of my favorite thing to do right now - i come home from school and i watch the episodes that i recorded the night before. anyways, after watching a couple episodes tonight, i realized that it is ruining my diet plans.

most everyday now, i have been trying to fast. i make it through the school day perfectly fine, but once i come home and watch the Nanny, i cave. i believe this is because everyone in the show is always eating! the main character, Fran,is always in the kitchen helping herself to cakes and other assorted goods and it makes me think, "how can she eat all of THAT and still look the way she does?" i mean, she's not extremely thin or anything, but she is sort of thinspirational. i think one time another character referred to her as being 5'7" and 110 pounds..

either way, watching everyone eating in the show makes me hungry. i can't forget about that nagging voice in my head because 5 minutes later, they're eating again! ahhh! i love the show though... what to do...

STARTING THE ABC DIET ON MONDAY. Seriously this time. Summer's over. i need to get over myself - i need to stop being depressed, get off of my ass, and try to make things better. even if i can't fix a lot of things right now, at least i can control what goes into my mouth.

Ramblings.

i have no clue who even reads this. if you actually DO, then you're gonna end up knowing a lot about me, lol.

so time to ramble. i think this is one of the contributing factors of my depression.

i've been in TRUE love three times in my life. already? yes. i don't really like to "go public" when i'm with someone, so i tend to sort of sneak around with them. i'm awful. anyways, the first guy i ever loved was my best friend's cousin. he was a few years older than me - we used to visit him and his family in another state and we were.... together. no one knew. no one knows to this day. but we were in love. he would sometimes come to my state to visit as well, so we got to see each other a few times a year. otherwise, we didn't really have any contact.

we would date other people, but we would always be together when we saw each other - hate to say this, but we would be together regardless of who we were seeing at the time. it would only be for a few days. after that, we would resume our lives with our significant other. boyfriends and girlfriends would come and go, but we always had the steady reassurance that we had each other. sort of like a safety net.

we knew that one day, we could REALLY be together. once we were older, we could move closer to each other and stop the sneaking around. this idea crashed and burned about 5 months ago when i found out that his girlfriend was pregnant. it wasn't exactly planned, but it wasn't an accident either.

we haven't seen each other since. we haven't talked about it. i don't think we ever will. i doubt he will drive down to see me anymore - i don't think i'll go up to visit. i mean, he has a CHILD now - a family. i don't want to mess with that.

anyways, his girlfriend/fiancee, whatever, just had her baby a couple of days ago. i saw pictures online, and its a beautiful baby girl. its weird, because i always dreamed that i would be in her position, holding his baby one day. these last few years have been a waste of time. like all of the memories have been forgotten.

i feel better now that i've typed that. if you read, thanks.

jdshgusfhgsiufhdg. Depressed.

trying SO HARD to be positive right now. its not happening. everyone has their dark days, right?

right after sending my dad an email which he will receive in jail, i went on to prettythin. i saw a post where a girl was talking about how her husband is taking pills again - he lies to her, its ruining her marriage, etc. she was asking where to look for his stash.

so i replied with some of my life story, lol.

"my parents went through the same exact thing.

my dad was addicted to alcohol, oxycontin and oxycodone. he stole these drugs from the hospital where he worked. he got caught and now he's locked up because of it. he's missing my high school graduation, he missed my sister growing up, and we've pretty much been fatherless for 5 years now. we get to talk on the phone for 10 minutes once or twice a week, which means my sister and i have 5 minutes each. some relationship, huh? my mom's credit, family, and life were ruined because of his actions.

i hope your husband knows what he's facing if he continues. unfortunately, he is an addict. its not going to stop. you're just hurting yourself and your family giving him chance after chance, trust me. it's not easy to explain to your friends at 12 years old that your dad is in a federal prison. at 9 years old, its not easy to see your father passed out on the couch every night from taking drugs.

i've found my fair share of pills around the house. try cabinets in the kitchen, try his socks, search the basement.. areas where he can get his pills quietly and quick. places so obvious you wouldn't even think to look."

I'm back.

i've been going through a lot lately. i've been really stressed out with school starting up again and having to deal with some other personal issues - having to deal with sort of being involved in a love triangle.. i'll explain my twisted love life later. all of my goals have been put on the back-burner. i am the exact same weight now as i was before summer even started. the exact same weight as i have been for a few years.

well, i'm sick of it. tomorrow is the day that i change for good. my weight is now my number one problem.

its almost like within the last couple months or so, i have sort of lost touch with ana. i should see this as a blessing, but i REALLY need to get back into the swing of thigs - i miss the structure and orginization that came with ana.

i'm reclaiming it tomorrow.

First Day of School

so my classes were... alright. my fast lasted until lunch when my friend sacrificed half of her lunch for me. she wouldn't give up until i ate. so, there was my excuse to binge a bit when i got home.

i'll give it another shot tomorrow.

Summer, Never Ending Summer.

tomorrow i embark on my senior year of high school. very hard to imagine - i still remember the first day of freshman year. i still remember my first day of kindergarden. how time flies....

so i'm getting my senior pictures taken tomorrow by a professional photographer. i wish i could have been thinner for them.

i'm thinking of sticking to my previous plan. fast tomorrow through friday, then maybe 500 MAXIMUM on saturday, maybe ABC on sunday. i'll see how it goes.

i tried the salt water flush again today. hardly any effect. screw that. never again.

i think i'll start posting everyday now - you can all start to get to know me. =D

Fail Fail Fail.

so i did the salt water flush - it didn't work as well as i thought.

otherwise, this summer has been nothing but a binge-fest. i think my vacation completely ruined my habits - i'm so used to eating shite. i thought that if i just ate junk food, i would get sick of it. i think i became addicted instead. #$@*&!.

school starts on Wednesday. this is what i'm thinking

WED 2 Sept - Fast
THURS 3 Sept - Fast
FRI 4 Sept - Fast
SAT 5 Sept - (Cookout) Just enough to not get noticed.
SUN 6 Sept - Salt Water Flush ?
MON 7 Sept - Begin ABC - 500 cals.

i'm maybe thinking of combining the ABC diet with the Apple diet. obviously, not ABC in its entirety. that would look suspicious. i'll see what i can do, though.

Salt Water Flush.

this morning i woke up at 6 to text my mom to pick up some sea salt on her way home from her graveyard shift - of course she didn't, so i had to drive out to the grocery store to get it myself.

my sister caught me in the middle of mixing the salt and the water - i made some excuse and told her to go away.

so all 4 cups went down... smoothly? no. i feel like i could puke right now. my stomach is sort of gurggling and i'm really hot. TMI ? ok i'll stop. talk later !

Back Home.

so i left my grandparents' house at 5 am with my cousin. we traveled to the Edinburgh Airport together because he was leaving for Denver to meet friends for a game expo. his flight was 20 minutes after mine so he sat with me until i left.

you know that feeling when you so DESPERATELY want to cry your eyes out, but you hold it back because you're in a public place? it sucks. i spent the whole flight to Dublin really upset. my actions during take-off worried the people around me - my legs were shaking uncontrollably, i chugged two bottles of water, and i had to keep wiping my tears away with my sweatshirt. all while sitting sort of hunched over with my head on the seat in front of me. i pretty much remained in this position throughout the flight. all because my cousin waited with me at the gate

until the very last second. it was sort of like a tease - like we were preparing to depart together. knowing that i can't see him or my family for at least another year or two broke my heart.

so i'm home and very depressed. "Home" doesn't feel like home. it just feels like an address. as much as Scotland sometimes makes me want to return back here, i feel like i've stayed there long enough to call it home. i'm looking into officially moving over there next year. i feel like there's nothing left for me here...

anyways, now that i've returned, i'm ready to get seriously concentrated. i ate a lot of my plane food, as well as come cereal yesterday. so far today, i've only had water. i'm hoping to fast until sunday or monday, but i might possibly be starting ABC today instead. i feel too depressed to eat anything right now...

Why, Oh Why....

... do people feel the need to terrorize others over the internet?

i was on the PrettyThin forum today (my pro-ana website of choice. it's amazing) and this girl posted something along the lines of "i'm gonna get all of my friends to take over this site with spam." meaning: i'm gonna attempt to create over 8000 accounts so i can make people feel bad.. by myself.

she can do whatever she wants, i guess. what i really don't support is her bullying.

although i don't know many of them personally, there are some really great people who post things everyday. i have made friends with some of them - they are a special kind of friend who you can share EVERYTHING (i mean, everything) with, even though you don't know them too well. no matter what, they will never judge you. they are all strong, beautiful individuals who deserve some respect for their dedication. they don't need someone pretending to have an eating disorder judging them.

i guess people take the "fat" comments in different ways. some get their feelings hurt, some simply ignore the naysayers insults, and others draw motivation from these words. for some people, being called "fat" makes them feel awful and binge, and others work harder for this to be even more of a contradiction.

another thing that i don't support is some people's need to return the favor with more hurtful words. this is an awful way of defending yourself. how much better do those people look in the eyes of others? the online community won't be any less tense. two wrongs don't make a right... bla bla bla. i sound really cliché right now, i'm sorry you had to endure this. i'll stop ranting now. if you read this, thanks. feel free to reply with your responses. =D

ps. i'll try to find some of my favorite thinspos and post them later.

Creeeeped Out.

(as i posted on prettythin.com)


so today my cousin called me and asked if i wanted to go to the movies with him and his dad. his dad (my aunt's ex-husband) just came back from Nigeria where he works, so he wanted to spend some time with us.

although he sort of makes me feel uncomfortable, i keep in touch with him over facebook and stuff when he's working - we don't really write that often, but he sort of checks up on me. even though he's not really a part of my family anymore, he still wants me to visit him when i'm in scotland.

anyways, after we saw the movie and stuff, he dropped off my cousin and he was driving me home. he was telling me that i should come over to his apartment - at this point, i was feeling uncomfortable again, almost like he wanted me there ALONE or something. then he said that he had some wine that he was saving and we could drink it. he had some other liquor there that we would drink as well. we could just chill out away from the rest of the family.

then he pulled into my driveway and he further tried to convince me to come over in a few days. i said goodbye and i got out of the car - when i turned to close the door, i noticed that he had been starting at my ass. when he finally decided to look me in the eyes again he said see you later - sort of suggestively.

i don't want to be rude and not visit, but he wants me alone in his apartment with liquor when he knows i'm an alcoholic - almost like he WANTS me to be so drunk i'll black out. maybe i'm being paranoid and its all in my head, but he gives off a wierd vibe like he would do that.

i just really wanted to tell someone.

Vacation. All I Ever Wanted ?

So i'm here in lovely Scotland visiting my family. i left home the 28th of July and was meant to be staying for two weeks but was somehow talked into staying four. although visiting is fun, i'm MISERABLE.

let me tell you, i've never eaten so much junk food in my life. i am petrified to look at the scale. this is turning into a 4-week bingefest. i cannot wait to return to the normality of home. i've been thinking of moving over here next year, but there's no doubt that my weight would end up going up by the hundreds. no one eats healthy food. no one that i know, anyways. for breakfast, i am handed two chocolate bars. what the hell?

i suppose there are people here that aren't like that. maybe it is my family just wanting to "take care of me." it seems that their whole days revolve around food. when you skip a meal, it definitely doesn't go unnoticed.

anyways, i'll be back home in Boston on the 25th. a week before school resumes. awesome.

i'm trying to create a detox diet plan for when i return home, any suggestions?

Hello =D

If you don't already know me, let me introduce myself. I'm Audreena.

In case you were wondering, i have been blessed with an ED. Great, right?

Being negative gets you no where. Therefore, i strive to be as positive as i can.

i like to share my opinions, but i keep them to myself if i feel that there is a chance of someone being offended. i stay away from controversial issues such as religion and politics - on these subjects, i remain neutral. although i have my own beliefs and theories, i still hold an extremely open mind. i have friends of different religious affiliations, sexual orientations, and races. i see everyone as an equal and treat them as so.


Anyways, i'll post when i feel like updating. I'm in scotland at the moment, so posting may be limited. Talk to you later =D